Previously, I presented Proverbs 5 as God’s design for husbands to make sense of sexual temptation in marriage, and to further discover effective antidotes to prevent empowering the sexual temptation experience.  God’s design is to empower a man’s experience of his wife, thereby disempowering the experience of sexual temptation.  A husband needs to choose to rejoice in, be satisfied by, and be captivated by his wife, exclusively.  Wives are designed to thrive in a context of knowing their husbands are making these choices.  A fourth design parameter to consider comes from 1 Peter 3:7 where we find a verse stating ‘Husbands, be considerate as you live with your wives.’

Many of us husbands would see ourselves as considerate.  We think we are generally kind to our wives.  And, many wives would agree.  I would like to add a layer of depth to the idea to being considerate.  It’s one thing for me to behave in ways that I believe are considerate, but it may be very different to discover in what ways my wife would want me to be considerate.  She may want me to be considerate of her self-consciousness of some aspect of her body, of her desire for daily alone time, or of some peculiarity of hers.  Often these considerations seem minor, resulting in a wife not requesting them.  If God’s design states that husbands are to be considerate, then he must have designed wives to thrive in an environment of their husband’s consideration.  Thus, these considerations are not minor.  Husbands let’s step out in vulnerability and ask our wives what they would want us to be considerate of.  Then, let’s follow up with behaviors that demonstrate that consideration.

I believe that when husbands practice the choice of being considerate of their wives the repeated experience itself and the wife’s response to it empowers the experience of captivation and disempowers sexual temptations.  God designed our relationships for success.  A wife who knows that her husband has a focus on being considerate will likely have a positive response.

If this topic is something you would like more information on, please reach out to us at Dr. White and Associates. Experienced Christian counselors and therapists in Lubbock, Texas.

The scripture in Proverbs 5:19 states in most versions ‘may you be captivated by her love.’  Notice that the scripture does not include choosing to be captivated by physical characteristics.  It seems that the author is focusing on being captivated by the experience of her.  To captivate is to attract someone and hold their interest and attention.  Choosing to focus attraction to a wife and then choosing to further focus interest and attention to her has a powerful impact on the mind of a husband.  When a man’s interest and attention are focused exclusively on his experience of his wife, the low power of daily sexual temptation has little chance of distracting him to other choices outside of God’s design.

Another aspect of this scripture is that captivation is the third design parameter, following the choice of rejoicing in a wife and the choice of exclusive physical, sensual, and sexual satisfaction in a wife.  The experience of these two previous choices feed into the experience of captivation.

I believe when husbands practice the choice of being captivated by the experience of their wives, the repeated experience itself empowers continued repetition of the experience and disempowers temptations.  God designed our relationships for success.  A wife who knows that her husband is truly captivated by her will likely have a positive response.

If this topic is something you would like more information on, please reach out to us at Dr. White and Associates. Experienced Christian counseling and therapy in Lubbock, Texas.

The scripture in Proverbs 5:19 actually states in most versions ‘may her breasts satisfy you always.’  It seems clear that the verse is not about anatomy, but about the satisfying nature of bodily contact with a wife.  Notice that the scripture does not mention physical characteristics, age, or any other inclination toward a definition of beauty or sexy.  This verse is about making the choice to find satisfaction at home.  Again, if the verse is not about anatomy, I would like to suggest the application of this verse into the choice of finding satisfaction in three realms: physical, sensual, and sexual.  The husband’s choice is one that requires mutuality; what husband can experience the choice without his wife’s cooperative participation?  However, this is not a license to insist on that cooperation in the wake of her discovery of any degree of infidelity.

Husbands, making the choice to experience this satisfaction in a mutual way requires us to discuss with our wives what is physically, sensually, and sexually satisfying about our contact.  This may also include what is not satisfying.  Afterall, we couldn’t be truly satisfied in an activity that was not satisfying to our wives, could we?

I believe that when husbands are experiencing the enjoyment of physical satisfaction (holding hands, hugging), sensual satisfaction (non-sexual, but private touch), and sexual satisfaction (specific, agree-upon behaviors that are acknowledged as satisfying) that the repeated experience itself empowers a repeat of the experience and disempowers temptations.

God designed our relationships for success.  A wife who knows that her husband experiences physical, sensual, and sexual satisfaction exclusively in her will likely have a positive response.  See Part 4, Struggling with Sexual Temptation as a Married Man? for the next design parameter.

If this topic is something you would like more information on, please reach out to us for experienced and trusted Christian counseling and therapy in Lubbock, TX.

Rejoicing is not a common term for most of us in today’s culture.  What does this really mean in the Hebrew context in which it was written?  We need to know the meaning in order to live out the design.  Rejoice means to feel or to show great joy in or delight in something.  In Hebrew it also includes the experience of satisfaction in that rejoicing.  I would define it as developing satisfaction in something that delights my wife and then demonstrating that delight to her. 

Think of it like this: We men experience great joy and satisfaction in the experience of accomplishing something in sports, outdoors, or some other effort.  How does it make us feel when our wives make a big deal out of our accomplishment and brag about it to others?  It makes us feel loved, honored, important, etc.  There’s the goal; to show love, honor, importance to her.  In general, what does a wife do who feels loved, honored, and important?  She reciprocates.  God designed our relationships to work.

In application to your own wife, what is it that she does or represents that brings her joy?  Some ideas are her healthy practices (gym workouts, diet, etc.), career/academic accomplishments, style choices, wisdom, talents, or traditions.  Find something about her to make a big deal out of, to enjoy in a satisfying way.  If this doesn’t work, ask your wife ‘what is it that brings you joy that you would like for me to rejoice in?’  Over time the husband who spends time focusing on the joy that he takes in his wife will empower God’s design and disempower the sexual temptation in his environment.

God designed our relationships for success.  A wife whose husband rejoices in her will likely have a positive response.  See Part 3, Struggling with Sexual Temptation as a Married Man? for the next design parameter.

If this topic is something you would like more information on, please reach out to us for experienced and trusted Christian counseling and Lubbock therapy from Dr. White and Associates.

First, when scripture says that Jesus was tempted in every way, we must assume that his temptation included sexual temptation.  Second, since he was also without sin, we need a theology of sexual temptation that includes both the experience of sexual temptation, while also not reaching a threshold of sin.  Third, we need a way out, an effective response.

God created the female form to be attractive to males.  It’s his design, thus we experience temptation.  However, simply recognizing that a woman is attractive can simply be a temptation without the experience escalating into coveting the person, objectifying her.  Temptation is part of design, but coveting and fantasizing is a learned, practiced, and often a patterned, subconscious behavior.

The best way to understand this is from Proverbs 5.  The context is an older wise man coaching a younger man.  In the beginning of the chapter the older man tells the younger man in essence, “don’t even think about going by the door of the harlot.”  In 2019 terms he might be saying don’t even think of three clicks of the mouse… about the woman in the next cubicle… about fantasy with another person… Then, near the end of the chapter, he states the antidote: (1) May you choose to rejoice in your wife; (2) May you choose to find your physical, sensual, and sexual satisfaction exclusively and always in your wife; (3) May you choose to be captivated by your wife.

Sexual temptation will always have a degree of power in the lives of men.  We can reduce the power of that temptation by increasing the power of our experience of our wives by choosing rejoicing, choosing satisfaction, and choosing captivation.  These are mindful choices.  Let’s choose to renew our minds to God’s design for success!

Husbands, you become more and more attractive to your wives when you practice/live by these design parameters.  If you believe that these are, in fact, God’s design then you must also believe that she is designed to respond to them.

In the following parts I will discuss more fully the practicality of living out this design.

If this topic is something you would like more information on, please reach out to us for experienced and trusted Christian counseling and Lubbock counseling & therapy from the therapists & counselors at Dr. White and Associates. You can also view more details about our therapy &counseling services here.

So many life principles from the Bible apply to mental health. In Romans 12:2, Paul gives us just such a great life principle; becoming transformed by renewing the mind. In context, Paul had just addressed some ineffective patterns of worldly living. Then he states to not conform any longer to the old patterns, but instead to become transformed by renewing our minds. From a mental health perspective, I want to put some practical action on how to accomplish this. If I have an old, ineffective pattern of thinking due to my experience of life, but the truth of God’s design for life is different, then I need to recognize the discrepancy, correct my thinking with the truth of God’s design, and renew my mind to that truth.

If my experience of the world, relationships, and the advertising industry have told me that I am not good enough due to some attribute of body image, then I will likely have an internal dialog in my mind that focuses on not being good enough, which will result in me feeling inadequate. However, if I will evaluate, reason, and determine the truth that directly addresses the old, ineffective pattern of thinking, and then renew my mind to that truth, my mind can then become transformed to a new internal dialog or pattern of thought. In this example of negative body image thinking, instead of feeling inadequate, I can feel adequate and empowered based on thinking the truth that I am, in fact, good enough.

Applying this to mental health, renewing the mind isn’t just casually thinking the truth occasionally. It is thoughtfully developing a list of truth statements that directly oppose false/ineffective thinking. Then taking my list in quiet, meditative moments, then reviewing and contemplating these truths about myself repeatedly. I recommend renewing our minds first thing in the morning, about noon, end of the work day, and before bed for several weeks.

We must hear/review the truth more often than the frequency of the world telling us the lies!

Dr. White – I recently reviewed some addiction debate among professionals regarding a YouTube video titled Addiction, by Kurzgesagt:

And a TED Talk titled Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong, by Johann Hari:

Their point being made is that a potential underlying cause of addiction that has been undervalued in research and treatment is disconnection; addicts often suffer varying degrees of disconnection in their important relationships.  Hari concludes that “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.”  I don’t want to enter the debate by taking a stand in far left or far right views.  But I do want to emphasize Hari’s point about human connection.  In my treatment of recovering addicts, most tell of experiences ranging from ineffective connectedness to debilitating disconnection.

God’s design tells us that we were designed for success (we have been given everything we need for life and Godliness, 2 Pet. 1:3).  We have been given the principles of oneness, unity, and like-mindedness; principles that require connection.  We could define oneness as 1) knowing what your partner feels and caring about what you know in a way that is effective for your partner, and 2) knowing what your partner thinks and caring about what you know in a way that is effective for your partner.

So why do so many of us experience disconnection; a disconnection that can contribute to eventual compulsion and addiction?  I think it is because the practice of these principles requires taking the risk to be vulnerable.  And further, the vulnerability risks we do take sometimes teach us not to risk it again.  When a marriage partner asks “honey, what are you feeling,” answering honestly requires vulnerability.

Whether we are recovering from compulsion/addiction or simply trying to become more connected in our intimate relationships, we can set ourselves and our partners up for success by practicing vulnerability.  Here are some practical ideas for connection success in a oneness relationship:

• set aside daily, uninterrupted, couple connection time
• disarm your partner by stating that revelation of any emotion is ok and that you want to know the feelings
• ask “honey, what’s on your heart today,” or “what are you feeling”
• accept the feeling by simply not asking why, or not stating that they shouldn’t feel that way
• validate the one who experiences the feeling by responding with words of concern that include the revealed emotion, “honey, I really care about you feeling disappointed”
• provide comfort (words of encouragement, touch).  If you don’t know what is comforting, ask “what’s the most compassionate thing I can do right now to comfort you?”

Practicing these simple steps every day for several weeks creates a new normal that provides self reinforcement for its continuation.  Let’s let this become part of the fabric of daily relationship life in order to live the abundant life we were created for.

I think we need to recognize that even though by God’s design we have been given what we need to meet life, we have also been given life experience in this culture.  We learn about ourselves, others, God and the world through our life experience, and some of what we learn does not fit with God’s design.  Some of what we learn is lies, and skewed or false thinking.  What we believe about God and his design, how we see ourselves, and what we think alters the neurological structure of our brain.  

Part of what we have been equipped with is the ability to hear truth that differs from our life experience, reason through it, discriminate its truth, apply it, and then through a process, build our belief in it.  It is the truth that can set us free from the emotional experience of feeling ill-equipped.  The process is transformation by renewing our mind.

Stay tuned for my next blog on Becoming Transformed by Renewing the Mind!