We’ve all heard that before. “Just let it go”.

“Let it go” sounds great in a children’s musical, but we all know that real life often doesn’t come with a musical resolution and magic palace. While people often mention this with good intentions, this advice can often leave someone feeling frustrated or broken when they can’t seem to do it. If letting go were that simple, most of us would have done it already.

When something painful happens in our close relationships, we store that emotional memory. Then old arguments may resurface, certain events trigger us, and we can feel flooded with emotion even when we logically think, “This shouldn’t bother me anymore.”

Letting go isn’t just about willpower. It’s about the feeling of safety again. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, believed that our nervous system is actually wired for connection and safety. So, when a break of some sort happens in an important relationship, we keep the emotion we felt “on standby” until there is repair. Rather than it being stubbornness to let it go, it’s our attachment needs speaking up.

Sometimes, what we may be asked to “let go of” is actually a need that was never met, maybe a need to feel understood or emotionally connected. When those needs are not met, the pain stays, waiting for a way to repair.

In Marriage and Family Therapy, we don’t rush people to let go of their pain. We slow things down and listen to it. We start to think about what it’s trying to communicate. Once emotions are fully acknowledged and met with compassion, the body can begin to soften, too. That’s when “let it go” happens.

So, if you’ve ever felt stuck because you “should be over it by now,” please know that you’re not weak. You’re human. You’re attempting to protect yourself from something that has not been resolved yet. Slowing down and understanding the feelings under your hurt can result in real healing.

References
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.