Life Transitions – Dr. White & Associates, P.C.

Why ‘Let It Go’ Doesn’t Actually Work

Mark White — Wed, 11 Feb 2026 15:00:03 +0000

We’ve all heard that before. “Just let it go”.

“Let it go” sounds great in a children’s musical, but we all know that real life often doesn’t come with a musical resolution and magic palace. While people often mention this with good intentions, this advice can often leave someone feeling frustrated or broken when they can’t seem to do it. If letting go were that simple, most of us would have done it already.

When something painful happens in our close relationships, we store that emotional memory. Then old arguments may resurface, certain events trigger us, and we can feel flooded with emotion even when we logically think, “This shouldn’t bother me anymore.”

Letting go isn’t just about willpower. It’s about the feeling of safety again. John Bowlby, the founder of attachment theory, believed that our nervous system is actually wired for connection and safety. So, when a break of some sort happens in an important relationship, we keep the emotion we felt “on standby” until there is repair. Rather than it being stubbornness to let it go, it’s our attachment needs speaking up.

Sometimes, what we may be asked to “let go of” is actually a need that was never met, maybe a need to feel understood or emotionally connected. When those needs are not met, the pain stays, waiting for a way to repair.

In Marriage and Family Therapy, we don’t rush people to let go of their pain. We slow things down and listen to it. We start to think about what it’s trying to communicate. Once emotions are fully acknowledged and met with compassion, the body can begin to soften, too. That’s when “let it go” happens.

So, if you’ve ever felt stuck because you “should be over it by now,” please know that you’re not weak. You’re human. You’re attempting to protect yourself from something that has not been resolved yet. Slowing down and understanding the feelings under your hurt can result in real healing.

References
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

A Few Things to Know About Premarital Counseling

Tim White — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:21:32 +0000

At its most basic, premarital counseling or education is a chance to sit down with a trained professional to discuss life after the wedding day. Most of the premarital couples I have worked with have numerous questions about roles, responsibilities, sex, money, work, kids, extended family, video games, social media, conflict, fighting fair…and the list could go on. It is important to note that these are couples who on the cusp of marriage, very much in love, and coming from a place of great commitment, yet they still have these questions. Let me assure you, it is okay to have the questions! Not only is it okay to have the questions, it is a great idea to seek the answers together, prior to tying the knot.

I encourage the use of the Prepare/Enrich assessment, which I am qualified to administer. This assessment identifies the couple’s strengths and growth areas. This is valuable in that it can streamline some of what I need to know for helping the couple and it may reveal some issues that were previously not well know or understood. It is also very valuable in highlighting a couple’s strengths and validating what a couple is fairly sure to be true about their relationship.

Aside from the Prepare/Enrich tools I will give the couple a “menu” of topics that they may choose from. This menu includes topics such as money, family, sex, kids, and work/life balance that couples typically like to cover. I find this helpful in guiding our time together. We also have in-house developed homework that we will assign to couples to do between sessions. Please don’t worry though, this is not the homework you dreaded in high school! The homework we assign is designed to get you and your partner to engage in meaningful and connecting conversation. We call this The Pursuit of the Heart and we have seen this to be very valuable in communicating and connecting!

Finally, I would like to reference a study that clearly indicates the benefit of premarital counseling. In 2006, Stanley, Amato, Johnson & Markman found that couples who participated in premarital counseling were more than 30% less likely to suffer divorce. Further, the head of psychology at BYU anecdotally states that he believes the rates to be more like a 50% reduction in the risk of divorce (Hanson, 2017). Aside from the risk of divorce, Stanley, Amato, Johnson & Markman, (2006) also state that participants in premarital counseling report higher levels of satisfaction, a decrease in the number of destructive conflicts, and increased levels of commitment.

This is great evidence as to why you should engage in premarital & marriage counseling in Lubbock, TX with your partner prior to tying the knot!

If you are planning on getting married soon AND you want to be set up for success, please reach out today! Our phone number is 806-780-0003 and my email address is timwhite@dwatherapy.com if you have any other questions. At Dr. White and Associates, we provide trusted and experienced counseling & therapy in Lubbock, Texas.

Transformed by Renewing the Mind

Mark White — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:20:06 +0000

So many life principles from the Bible apply to mental health. In Romans 12:2, Paul gives us just such a great life principle; becoming transformed by renewing the mind. In context, Paul had just addressed some ineffective patterns of worldly living. Then he states to not conform any longer to the old patterns, but instead to become transformed by renewing our minds. From a mental health perspective, I want to put some practical action on how to accomplish this. If I have an old, ineffective pattern of thinking due to my experience of life, but the truth of God’s design for life is different, then I need to recognize the discrepancy, correct my thinking with the truth of God’s design, and renew my mind to that truth.

If my experience of the world, relationships, and the advertising industry have told me that I am not good enough due to some attribute of body image, then I will likely have an internal dialog in my mind that focuses on not being good enough, which will result in me feeling inadequate. However, if I will evaluate, reason, and determine the truth that directly addresses the old, ineffective pattern of thinking, and then renew my mind to that truth, my mind can then become transformed to a new internal dialog or pattern of thought. In this example of negative body image thinking, instead of feeling inadequate, I can feel adequate and empowered based on thinking the truth that I am, in fact, good enough.

Applying this to mental health, renewing the mind isn’t just casually thinking the truth occasionally. It is thoughtfully developing a list of truth statements that directly oppose false/ineffective thinking. Then taking my list in quiet, meditative moments, then reviewing and contemplating these truths about myself repeatedly. I recommend renewing our minds first thing in the morning, about noon, end of the work day, and before bed for several weeks.

We must hear/review the truth more often than the frequency of the world telling us the lies!