Postnuptial – Dr. White & Associates, P.C.

Why Shame Doesn’t Change Behavior

admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2026 20:32:44 +0000

If your spouse has done something that broke trust, lied, hidden something, or crossed a line you didn’t think they’d cross, it’s natural to want them to feel the full weight of it. Some part of that instinct is healthy. Real change does require real ownership. But there’s an important difference between accountability and shame, and it matters more than it might seem.

Here it is plainly: shame does not create lasting change. It creates relief-seeking.

What It Looks Like From the Outside

Shame-driven confrontations often look intense and can, in the moment, seem to produce results. The offending spouse looks remorseful. They apologize repeatedly. They may promise it will never happen again, and mean it in the moment. But weeks or months later, the same behavior resurfaces, sometimes in a more hidden form than before.

This can be baffling and infuriating for the betrayed spouse, who reasonably thinks: they seemed so sorry. Why didn’t it stick?

What’s Actually Happening Underneath

Shame and accountability are often treated as the same thing, but they function very differently. Accountability says: what I did was harmful, and I am responsible for repairing it. Shame says: I am fundamentally bad because of what I did. One is about behavior. The other is about identity.

The problem with shame isn’t that it’s too harsh. It’s that it’s ineffective at the one thing it’s meant to do. When a person is flooded with shame, their nervous system doesn’t move toward growth. It moves toward escape. Shame is unbearable to sit inside of for long, so the brain looks for relief. Sometimes that relief looks like defensiveness. Sometimes it looks like over-apologizing without real behavior change. And sometimes, painfully, it looks like a return to the exact behavior that produced the shame in the first place, because that behavior, whatever it was, may have originally functioned as a relief valve as well.

This is why condemnation often produces secrecy rather than honesty. A person drowning in shame isn’t likely to bring their next struggle into the light. They’re more likely to hide it better.

None of this excuses harmful behavior. Naming this pattern isn’t about protecting the offending spouse from consequences. It’s about understanding what actually produces change, so that real accountability, not a shame spiral that quietly resets the cycle, has a chance to take hold.

A Grounded Example

Consider a spouse who had been secretly overspending, hiding purchases and lying about the family’s finances. When it came to light, the other spouse’s hurt and anger were completely understandable, and the confrontations that followed were intense. The offending spouse cried, apologized profusely, and swore it would stop.

For a few weeks, it did. Then it started again, smaller amounts, more carefully hidden.

What was missing wasn’t remorse. There was plenty of remorse. What was missing was a structure for accountability that didn’t rely on shame to enforce it: shared visibility into accounts, an authentic look at what the spending had actually been coping with, and consistent truth-telling over time rather than a single emotionally overwhelming conversation. Once shame stopped being the primary tool, real change had somewhere to land.

What Actually Helps

Real accountability tends to include a few things shame doesn’t: clear ownership of what happened, an honest look at what the behavior was accomplishing, concrete structure going forward, and enough emotional safety that the person doesn’t have to hide the next struggle for fear of another shame spiral.

This is true whether the behavior in question is financial secrecy, dishonesty, unwanted sexual behavior, or something else entirely. The pattern holds: shame produces hiding. Safety and clear accountability produce authenticity, and authenticity is what change actually requires.

If you’re the betrayed spouse in this situation, this isn’t a call to minimize what happened or rush toward forgiveness. It’s an invitation to pursue a form of accountability that’s more likely to actually work.

Questions Worth Sitting With

– When I’ve confronted my spouse in the past, was I aiming at their behavior, or at their sense of self?

– Has shame ever made it harder for me to admit something, even when I knew I needed to?

– What would accountability without shame actually look like in our relationship, specific, structural, ongoing?

This framework assumes a relationship where both people are capable of working toward change, however imperfectly. It is not a guide for situations involving coercion, control, threats, or abuse. If that describes what you are facing, the priority is safety, not this kind of accountability work. Please reach out to a professional trained in domestic abuse and safety planning first.

Change Is Still Possible

Wanting your spouse to feel the weight of what they did doesn’t make you unreasonable. But if the goal is lasting change and not just a moment of visible remorse, shame is rarely the tool that gets you there. Structure, honesty, and safety tend to do what shame can’t.

If your relationship is working through a breach of trust, a therapist trained in accountability and betrayal recovery can help you build something more durable than an apology, a real path toward change that doesn’t rely on shame to hold it together.

Schedule a consultation with Dr. White & Associates at dwatherapy.com/schedule-an-appointment, or call (806) 780-0003.

Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight?

admin — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 14:46:57 +0000

You’ve had this fight before. Maybe not these exact words, but this exact shape. It starts about the dishes, or the schedule, or something one of you said in front of the kids. Ten minutes in, you’re not even talking about that anymore. You’re talking about whether you matter to each other.

If this feels familiar, you’re not imagining it, and you’re not doing marriage wrong. Most couples who feel stuck in a loop aren’t actually failing to communicate. They’re communicating clearly. It’s just that the real conversation is happening one level below the one they think they’re having.

What It Looks Like From the Outside

From the outside, it looks like the same argument on repeat. One partner brings something up. The other gets defensive, or shuts down, or brings up something unrelated from three years ago. Voices rise, or one person goes quiet in a way that feels louder than yelling. Nothing gets resolved. A day or a week later, some version of it happens again.

Couples in this pattern often describe feeling like they’re arguing about everything, money, parenting, in-laws, chores, when really, it’s the same fight wearing different clothes.

What’s Actually Happening Underneath

Here’s a distinction worth sitting with: most couples don’t fall apart dramatically. They drift slowly, one unspoken story at a time.

Early in a relationship, two people build something we might call a shared narrative, a running, mutual understanding of who they are, what they mean to each other, and what their life together is for. Over time, without anyone intending it, that shared story can start to split. One person quietly starts carrying a narrative the other doesn’t know about, a private account of feeling criticized, or dismissed, or alone in the marriage. The other partner is often unaware this story even exists. They just notice the criticism, the distance, or the shutdown, and respond to that, not to the story underneath it.

This is what we mean by a divergent narrative. Both people are still in the marriage. But they’ve stopped living inside the same understanding of it.

When this happens, the specific topic of any given fight stops being the point. The budget fight isn’t really about the budget. It’s often about whether one person still feels considered. The parenting disagreement isn’t really about the rule you’re debating. It’s about whether you’re a team or opponents. The facts of the argument matter, but they’re rarely what determines whether the conversation actually goes anywhere.

This is why “communicating better” often doesn’t fix it. You can get much better at stating your case and still lose the argument that matters, because the argument that matters was never about the facts.

A Grounded Example

Consider a couple, we’ll call them Jordan and Sam, who found themselves fighting constantly about scheduling. Jordan believed Sam never checked in before making plans, which caused feelings of hurt, anxiety, confusion, and rejection. Sam believed Jordan was controlling and never trusted her judgment, which caused feelings of hurt, anxiety, confusion, and rejection. Every conversation about the calendar turned into a standoff.

When they slowed down enough to talk about what was underneath it, something different came up. Jordan had quietly begun to believe he was an afterthought in Sam’s decisions—neither consulted nor considered. Sam had quietly started to believe that nothing she did was ever enough, that she was always one step away from being criticized. Neither of them had said any of this out loud. They’d just been fighting about the calendar instead.
The calendar wasn’t the real disagreement. The real disagreement was two different, unspoken stories about whether they still mattered to each other and the pain that resulted from the skewed narrative.

What Actually Helps

You don’t fix a divergent narrative by winning the argument about the schedule, the budget, or the chores. You fix it by getting curious about the story your spouse has been quietly carrying, and letting them get curious about yours.

A practical place to start: before your next disagreement escalates, try pausing to ask a different question than the one you’re used to asking. Instead of “Can you just admit I’m right about this?” try “What has this actually felt like for you, not just this argument, but the pattern behind it?”

You’re not required to resolve everything in one conversation. The goal isn’t agreement on the facts. The goal is closing the gap between the story you’ve each been living in and getting closer to the same narrative page.

Questions Worth Sitting With

– What is one thing I’ve been quietly assuming about my spouse’s intentions that I’ve never actually said out loud?
– If my spouse described “the story of our marriage right now,” would it sound like the same story I’d tell?
– What is the recurring fight in our relationship actually about, underneath the topic it seems to be about?

You’re Not Failing at This

A marriage can drift without either person doing anything obviously wrong. That’s part of what makes it so disorienting. There’s no single moment to point to, no clear villain, just a slow accumulation of untold stories. The good news is that the same slow process that created the distance can also close it. It just requires two people willing to ask what the other has actually been carrying.

If this is where your relationship is right now, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Schedule a consultation with Dr. White & Associates at dwatherapy.com/schedule-an-appointment, or call (806) 780-0003.

Infidelity Recovery: Healing Through the 4Rs

Tim White — Thu, 25 Jun 2026 14:00:15 +0000

Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a couple can face. Whether it involved a sexual affair, an emotional relationship, pornography, compulsive sexual behavior, secret messaging, or another form of betrayal, the impact is often devastating. The betrayed partner may feel shocked, confused, angry, numb, anxious, or unable to trust their own judgment. The partner who betrayed may feel shame, defensiveness, fear, regret, or uncertainty about how to repair the damage.
When betrayal enters a relationship, many couples wonder the same thing: Can we recover from this?

The answer is not simple, but it is hopeful. Infidelity does not automatically mean the relationship has to end. Recovery is possible, but it requires more than an apology, more than time passing, and more than trying to “move on.” Healing requires structure, honesty, emotional safety, and a willingness to do difficult work over time.

One helpful way to understand the healing process is through the 4Rs of Infidelity Recovery:

Reconnection, Resolve, Rebuilding Trust, and Releasing Hurt.

These steps are not always perfectly linear. Couples may move back and forth between them. Some days may feel hopeful, while others may feel discouraging. That does not mean the process is failing. It means the couple is working through the real impact of betrayal.

1. Reconnection: Restoring Emotional Safety

After infidelity, emotional connection is often shattered. The betrayed partner may not feel safe being vulnerable. The partner who betrayed may want to reconnect quickly but not know how to tolerate the pain, anger, or questions that come with repair.

Reconnection is not about pretending things are fine. It is about creating enough emotional safety for both partners to stay present.

This begins with slowing down. When one or both partners are dysregulated, the conversation can quickly turn into circular arguments, defensiveness, blame, or shutdown. In those moments, the goal is not to “win” the conversation. The goal is to regulate enough to hear and understand each other.

For the betrayed partner, reconnection may sound like:
“I need you to understand how unsafe I feel right now.”
For the partner who betrayed, reconnection may sound like:
“I know I caused this pain. I want to listen without defending myself.”

Reconnection requires validation. Validation does not mean agreement with every interpretation or detail. It means recognizing the emotional reality of the other person. A betrayed partner usually does not need a quick fix in the beginning. They need to know their pain is being taken seriously.

Helpful questions for this stage include:
What helps me feel emotionally safe?
When do I feel most connected to my partner?
What causes me to shut down, defend, or pull away?
What does vulnerability look like right now?

Small moments matter. A calm check-in, a sincere apology, a moment of eye contact, or one partner choosing to listen instead of defend can become the beginning of reconnection.

2. Resolve: Creating Clarity Without Causing More Harm

Betrayal creates confusion. The betrayed partner often feels like the story of the relationship has been shattered. What they thought was true no longer feels reliable. They may replay memories, search for clues, ask repeated questions, or wonder what else they do not know.

This is not “being dramatic.” It is the mind trying to make sense of something that broke trust and shared meaning.

Resolve means creating enough clarity about what happened so the betrayed partner is not left living in uncertainty. This does not mean every graphic or unnecessary detail must be shared. In fact, too much detail can sometimes create additional intrusive images and trauma. But a vague, minimized, or incomplete story often keeps the betrayed partner stuck in rumination.

The goal is a truthful, clear, and compassionate understanding of what happened and how it happened.

This may include questions like:
When did it start?
How was it hidden?
Who knew?
Is there still contact?
What boundaries are now in place?
What made the betrayal possible?
What has changed so this does not continue?

These conversations need structure. Trying to answer everything in the middle of an argument at midnight rarely leads to healing. Couples often benefit from writing down essential questions, reviewing them with a therapist, and setting aside planned times for disclosure and discussion.

Resolve is not about punishing the betraying partner with endless interrogation. It is about helping the betrayed partner regain a sense of reality, stability, and peace.

The partner who betrayed must be willing to answer authentically, tolerate discomfort, and resist the urge to minimize. The betrayed partner must be supported in asking what is necessary for clarity while also protecting themselves from details that may deepen trauma rather than promote healing.

3. Rebuilding Trust: Consistency Over Time

Many people believe trust is either present or gone forever. But trust can be rebuilt when there is consistent, authentic, observable behavior over time. Essentially, individual data points painting a picture of reliability.

The key phrase is over time.

Trust is not rebuilt because the betraying partner says, “You should trust me now.” It is rebuilt when their actions become reliable enough that the betrayed partner begins to experience safety again.

That means doing what you say you will do. Going where you say you are going. Telling the truth even when it is uncomfortable. Being authentic without resentment. Following through on boundaries. Ending secrecy. Accepting accountability.

For some couples, rebuilding trust may include practical agreements such as:
Open communication about schedules
Clear boundaries with phones, social media, coworkers, or former affair partners
Regular check-ins
Individual therapy
Couples therapy
Recovery or accountability groups
Written plans for triggers, travel, or high-risk situations
Consistency in daily routines

These actions should not be treated as punishment. They are part of the repair.

The partner who betrayed may feel frustrated that trust is not restored quickly. But trust is not rebuilt by pressure. It is rebuilt by repeated data points of honesty, humility, and follow-through.

The betrayed partner also has work in this stage, but it is not the work of “just getting over it.” Their work is to notice what is actually happening in the present, name triggers when they arise, and slowly allow trustworthy behavior to matter.

Rebuilding trust often happens in small, ordinary moments. A text sent when promised. A hard question answered without defensiveness. A boundary kept. A moment of reassurance offered without complaint. Over time, these moments begin to form a new pattern and narrative.

4. Releasing Hurt: Forgiveness as a Process, Not a Demand

There is a lot said about “forgive and forget,” and much of it is unhelpful.

Betrayed partners do not forget. Nor should they be pressured to pretend the betrayal did not matter. Infidelity becomes part of the couple’s story. The goal is not to erase it. The goal is to integrate it in a way that no longer controls the relationship.

Releasing hurt does not mean excusing the betrayal. It does not mean rushing forgiveness. It does not mean staying in a relationship that remains unsafe. It means gradually working through grief, resentment, anger, and loss so the betrayed partner is not forced to carry the full emotional weight forever.

There is grief in infidelity recovery. Couples grieve what they thought they had. They grieve innocence, assumptions, memories, trust, and the version of the relationship that existed before discovery. The betrayed partner may grieve “what should have been.” The partner who betrayed may grieve the damage they caused and the person they became in the betrayal.

Forgiveness, when it comes, is usually a process before it is an event. It cannot be demanded. It cannot be rushed. And it should not be used to silence pain.

Helpful questions in this stage include:
What pain am I still carrying?
What losses need to be grieved?
What would releasing resentment look like without denying reality?
Am I ready to move toward forgiveness, or do I still need more repair?
What does a new normal look like for us?

Releasing hurt happens as safety grows, clarity increases, trust becomes more consistent, and grief is honored. It is not the first step. It is often the fruit of the work that came before it.

Putting the 4Rs Together

The 4Rs are not a quick fix. Infidelity recovery often takes months or longer. Some couples need individual therapy, couples therapy, recovery work, disclosure support, trauma treatment, or all of the above.

But the 4Rs give couples a map.

Reconnection helps restore emotional safety.
Resolve helps clarify the narrative and reduce rumination.
Rebuilding Trust creates new evidence of reliability.
Releasing Hurt allows grief and forgiveness to unfold over time.

Healing after infidelity is difficult work. It requires courage from both partners. The betrayed partner needs room to hurt, ask, grieve, and heal. The partner who betrayed needs to practice authenticity, accountability, empathy, and consistency without demanding immediate relief from the consequences of their choices.

A relationship after betrayal will not be the same as it was before. But with the right support, it can become better than it ever was, with thriving authenticity, abundant life, and oneness.

Infidelity is a rupture. Recovery is a process. And for couples willing to do the work, there can be hope beyond betrayal.

How to Choose a Therapist When Sex Is Part of What You’re Working On

Tim White — Tue, 10 Feb 2026 15:00:12 +0000

When sex is one of the issues in therapy: low desire, mismatched libido, porn use, infidelity, erectile or orgasm difficulties, painful sex, shame, trauma, orientation/identity questions, or just feeling stuck, it can be hard to know where to start. The stakes feel higher. You may be concerned about being judged, misunderstood, or pressured into someone else’s values.

The good news: there are therapists who are trained, ethical, and genuinely helpful in this area. The trick is knowing how to vet them.

Below is a practical guide to finding a therapist who is competent with sexual concerns and a good fit for you.

Start with clarity: what kind of help are you actually seeking?

Sex can be “the problem,” but it’s often also the signal of other dynamics:

Individual concerns: shame, anxiety, compulsive sexual behavior, trauma, libido changes, identity questions, performance concerns, pain, medical/medication impacts
Relationship concerns: desire discrepancy, betrayal/affairs, communication, consent/pressure dynamics, resentment, mismatch in values, recovery from porn secrecy, rebuilding intimacy
Life-stage changes: postpartum, menopause, aging, stress, grief, illness, parenting, faith transitions

This matters because the right credential and approach depend on what you’re facing. A couple’s issue may benefit from a couples therapist trained in relationship systems. A trauma-driven sexual concern may require a therapist with trauma training. Medical issues may require collaboration with a physician or pelvic floor specialist.

Credential basics: what to look for first

Not every “sex therapist” title means the same thing, because in many places, “sex therapist” is not a legally protected term. Anyone can sometimes use it in marketing. That’s why licensure and training matter.

1) Verify they’re a licensed mental health professional

Look for a current license, such as:

LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
LPC/LMHC (Licensed Professional Counselor / Mental Health Counselor)
LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)
Psychologist (PhD/PsyD)
Psychiatrist (MD/DO, usually for medication + diagnosis; may also do therapy)

You should be able to confirm their license on your state’s licensing board website.

2) Look for specific sex therapy training (not just interest)

Common reputable indicators include training/certification through established organizations (ISTI, SHA, AASECT). Certifications and whether they have documented training and supervised experience with sexual concerns are crucial.

A strong clinician can clearly describe:

their training background
the types of sexual concerns they commonly treat
how they work (assessment, goals, methods, boundaries)

3) If it’s a couple’s issue, look for couples-specialized training

Couples work is its own specialty. Useful indicators include training in evidence-based couples’ modalities such as:

EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy)
Gottman Method
Imago (varies by clinician)
Integrative/systemic couples therapy training

Sex problems inside a relationship often require skills in attachment, conflict patterns, communication, betrayal repair, and rebuilding trust, not just sex education.

Green flags: what a good sex-competent therapist does

Here’s what you want to see early on (often in the consult call or first session):

They normalize without minimizing

They don’t act shocked. They don’t make you feel “weird.” They can hold nuance: sex matters, and it’s complicated.

They assess comprehensively

A competent therapist asks about:

physical health, medications, sleep, stress
relationship context (if partnered)
trauma history (gently and appropriately)
consent and boundaries
values, faith, culture (without imposing their own)
safety concerns (coercion, abuse, risky behaviors)

They collaborate instead of prescribe

They don’t push a one-size fits-all agenda. They help you set goals that align with your values and relationship agreements.

They have clear boundaries

They explain what therapy is and isn’t, including:

no sexual contact, ever
no “hands-on” sexual techniques
no inappropriate personal disclosures
clear policies on confidentiality, fees, messaging, and emergencies

They’re comfortable coordinating care

For some issues, the best outcomes involve collaboration with:
primary care/OBGYN/urology/endocrinology
pelvic floor physical therapy
psychiatry (medications)
medical evaluation for pain, hormone concerns, ED, etc.

A good therapist isn’t threatened by a medical referral; they welcome it.

Red flags: when to walk away

If you notice any of the following, take it seriously:

They shame, moralize, or mock (even subtly).
They push their ideology about sex, gender roles, porn, monogamy, religion, etc., without curiosity about yours.
They promise quick fixes or guaranteed outcomes.
They want explicit sexual details immediately, without explaining why, without pacing, and without building safety first.
They blur boundaries (flirtatious comments, suggestive jokes, overly personal disclosures, unclear policies).
They present “sex therapy” as manual techniques rather than a professional psychotherapy process.
They blame one partner or side with someone without assessing the full system.

Trust your gut. Therapy should feel challenging at times, but not unsafe, shaming, or coercive.

The consult call: questions that quickly reveal fit

Many therapists offer a brief phone consult. Use it. Here are practical questions you can ask:

About experience & training

“What training do you have in working with sexual concerns?”
“How often do you work with issues like mine?”
“Do you work more with individuals, couples, or both?”

About approach

“How do you typically assess what’s going on?”
“What does treatment usually look like: skills, homework, communication tools, trauma work, etc.?”
“How do you handle differences in desire between partners?”

About values and neutrality

“How do you work with clients who have strong religious or cultural values around sex?”
“Do you take a sex-positive approach, and what does that mean to you?”
- (A good answer is usually about consent, agency, reducing shame, and aligning sex with your values, not pushing any particular lifestyle.)

About porn/compulsivity betrayal (if relevant)

“How do you define problematic sexual behavior versus high libido?”
“How do you help couples rebuild trust after sexual betrayal?”
“Do you integrate trauma-informed work for partners impacted by betrayal?”

About boundaries & professionalism

“What are your policies on confidentiality, session structure, and communication between sessions?”
“Do you coordinate with medical providers if needed?”

You’re listening for clarity, steadiness, and comfort, not perfection.

Matching the therapist to the problem

Here are some common situations and what tends to help:

Painful sex / vaginismus / pelvic pain

Look for: trauma-informed therapist + pelvic floor PT collaboration + medical evaluation.

Erectile/orgasm issues

Look for: anxiety/pressure work, relationship patterns, stress reduction, medical rule-outs, and sometimes couples therapy.

Desire discrepancy

Look for: couples specialist + communication tools + meaning / pressure / resentment work + libido education.

Porn conflict/secrecy/betrayal

Look for: a therapist experienced in betrayal repair, boundaries, accountability, trauma-informed support for the impacted partner, and a clear model for rebuilding trust.

Trauma-related sexual concerns

Look for: trauma-trained clinician (e.g., EMDR, CPT, somatic approaches) who understands how trauma impacts desire, arousal, safety, and attachment.

Practical logistics that matter more than people admit

Specialty fit beats convenience, but consistency is king. Weekly sessions with a good-enough specialist often beat sporadic sessions with the “perfect” person.

Teletherapy can work well for many sex-related issues (especially shame, communication, and education). Some trauma/pain work may benefit from in-person care, depending.

Comfort matters: you should feel respected. You don’t need instant ease, but you should feel emotionally safe.

A final note: you’re allowed to be picky

Choosing a therapist for sexual concerns is not like choosing a random service. You’re inviting someone into one of the most vulnerable areas of your life.

You’re allowed to:

Interview more than one therapist
Switch if it isn’t a fit
Ask direct questions
Prioritize safety, competence, and alignment with your values

The right therapist won’t be offended by your vetting; they’ll respect it.

Privacy, Secrecy, Transparency, and Authenticity: What does all this have to do with Good Faith?

Tim White — Tue, 05 Nov 2024 15:00:46 +0000

By Tim White

Disclaimer! I am writing this blog from the perspective that the partners in this scenario are working toward connecting, resolving, rebuilding trust, and healing/forgiving and that the person who has gone outside of the agreed boundaries in sex or communication* is genuinely showing up in good faith to work through the process. I am in no way proclaiming that a betrayed partner should stay in a relationship that is continuing to be deceitful, manipulative, coercive, or abusive.

Further, let’s address * the really long but kinder way to say betrayer, cheater, liar, or two-faced %@*&^%#$!!@#$! So, please allow me a digression before we start. While I can empathize with the pain of experiencing betrayal, labeling a partner with harsh and judgemental terms will diminish the potential for a positive outcome in the relationship. So, even if in the middle of the discovery of an affair and in the proceeding days you want to call the partner who went outside the boundaries a cad. My encouragement, try not to do or say anything that you may feel shameful about later. So for this blog, and potentially future clinical work, I’ll use the term unprincipled partner or UP to describe the partner who has gone outside the boundaries. Please see my blog titled 6 Principles of Sexual Health for further clarification.

So, without further delay, let’s get into it!

Specializing in couples overcoming infidelity, I frequently encounter ideas around honesty and privacy. If any of you have ever sat in session with me or read any of my other blogs, you know I’m a stickler for detail, nuance, and careful communication. Therefore, I think it is of near paramount importance to specifically define and understand what we are talking about when it comes to the above terms and why I choose carefully how I frame relational negotiations.

It is common for a partner who has experienced some sort of infidelity to become hypervigilant about the UP’s phone, email, social media, etc., and want to know everything about what he or she is doing. Even to the point of declaring the UP has forsaken any right to privacy because of what they have done.

Hold on, let’s back up a bit. Because I think it is imperative that we understand what we are asking of the UP when there is a declaration of no more privacy and complete transparency. Let’s start by taking a close look at what I believe these words to mean.

Privacy – Being able to experience thoughts and feelings and a cognitive process that my wife is unaware of. For instance, my journal is private. I leave it on the hearth next to my chair and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my wife has never read it. I know that I have never read hers. I’m sure there is stuff in there about me that I would rather not know about! I’m sure, as she grapples living with a red-neck Navy vet, she has had to process through some difficulties. Even going so far as to gripe about me. I know I have in mine. Gasp! The therapist has written things in his journal that he wouldn’t want his wife to read? Of course. Just like I’ve had intrusive thoughts at times that I want nobody to know. This stuff is private. That doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that I may need a place to process. I don’t gripe about her and leave it there, I work through it and land on the positive. But journaling and how to go about it is a whole other topic.

Secrets – I’m going to say that a secret is something that someone is intentionally withholding from another. I had a guy tell me in 2003 that the 1981 Dodge D150 I was looking at buying off of him, only had 3 things wrong with it. That dude was withholding information as there were many secrets I had to find out about that truck!

Transparency – It is frequent that a betrayed partner will demand complete transparency after the discovery of betrayal. He or she may want to track a partner or go through the UP’s email and phone, to make sure nothing is going on. It is an understandable reaction due to the pain and the safety that is being sought in the aftermath of discovery. However, this undoes the above right to privacy. I have had betrayed partners read through the UP’s journal or workbook, much to the detriment of progress in the relationship to say nothing of the betrayed partner’s own emotional well-being. So I avoid the idea of transparency for more effective concepts.

Honesty – I avoid this term as is easily convoluted by transparency and can be manipulated by an UP.

Authenticity – This is word is music to my ears. I love authenticity! Authenticity allows both partners access to the privacy necessary to process their own inner world and show up in the relationship with genuineness. Someone can be to the letter “honest” but still trying to hide something, maybe the right question wasn’t asked in just the right way. But a person who is showing up authentically is not trying to hide anything or manipulate a relationship by carefully withholding or disseminating information. Authenticity does not mislead.

Good-Faith – This is closely related to authenticity and is the representation of it. This is when individuals in a relationship are showing without trying to hide parts of themselves or their behavior from the other. This is when partners have each other’s best interests at heart and are fully aware that intentionally misleading and withholding is a recipe for extreme pain. This is throwing off the idea that if a partner knew everything they would leave. This is accepting that in order to lead healthy principled lives partners should know the essence or who they are in relationship with. Showing up in good-faith allows for effective consent and promotes safety.

So what? Everyone has access to a dictionary, why am I writing about this? Because I think it matters how we step through the process of recovering from unprincipled behavior in a relationship. I think the language we use and the nuances of communication can be some of the big factors in a positive outcome. I know this is a lot of information and I would love to help you through any of it you need. Please feel free to reach out to us at DWA!

806-780-0003 or timwhite@dwatherapy.com

Equipped for Success!

Mark White — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:19:40 +0000

I heard a great message at church last Sunday, proclaiming the finished work of God in our lives. One of the points made was that we are equipped for success, more specifically, that we have been given everything we need for life and godliness. This is a past tense, finished work of God in each of us. By design, we are fully equipped for life. As a mental health professional, I talk to many people who say they don’t feel equipped on an emotional level. What is it that hinders us from feeling equipped for success? What hinders some of us from experiencing successful living on a meaningful level?

I think we need to recognize that even though by God’s design we have been given what we need to meet life, we have also been given life experience in this culture. We learn about ourselves, others, God and the world through our life experience, and some of what we learn does not fit with God’s design. Some of what we learn is lies, and skewed or false thinking. What we believe about God and his design, how we see ourselves, and what we think alters the neurological structure of our brain.

Part of what we have been equipped with is the ability to hear truth that differs from our life experience, reason through it, discriminate its truth, apply it, and then through a process, build our belief in it. It is the truth that can set us free from the emotional experience of feeling ill-equipped. The process is transformation by renewing our mind.

Stay tuned for my next blog on Becoming Transformed by Renewing the Mind!

Why is Marriage So HARD? Pt. 3

Mark White — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:19:12 +0000

Over the last month and a half I have brought several points to readers concerning God’s design for marriage. I will briefly provide you with a recap. In Pt. 1, from Matthew 22:36-40, I pointed to loving God, loving spouse, and loving self (with emphasis on healthy self-love) as essential to marriage that is not hard. In Pt. 2, from Proverbs 5:18-19, we see that healthy marriage relationships are born out of rejoicing in our spouse. That post went a little long and I had to cut it short and thus write a part 3. So, this post will return to Proverbs 5:18-19 to discuss satisfaction and captivation, all the while relying on the concept of rejoicing for support. Proverbs 5:18-19, from the New English Translation says:

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in your young wife —
a loving doe, a graceful deer;
may her breasts satisfy you at all times,
may you be captivated by her love always.

Verse 19 begins with the poetic description of a spouse who is loving and graceful. If the reader desires to go and read the verses preceding 19, we see a picture of seductive women outside of marriage being, well, seductive. Their words drip with honey and they are smoother than olive oil (5:3)…but that’s not where the teacher stops. Those seductive avenues, who appear on the surface to be so fine, maybe even in the weakness of a moment finer than the spouse at home, are in the end bitter, sharp, and lead to destruction. These points of advice are important and I think they build on each other. The blessing, the rejoicing, and the spouse being loving and graceful are all connected. These points are also connected to satisfaction and captivation.

What does it mean to be satisfied? What does it mean to be captivated? The most basic definition of satisfaction is one who is fulfilled in their desires. Being satisfied (emphasis placed on sexual satisfaction) in a marriage relationship is something that can be easily stolen away in our culture. In the blog posted last week by dad, he discussed connection and how that connection can be subverted. I don’t think that many of us would argue that the world is filled with oversexualized images. Advertising, popular TV shows, movies, magazines, the internet; many of these avenues are highly sexualized, pornified, or actual pornography. Besides visual stimulation, there are also many emotional avenues that can seduce a spouse away from the oneness relationship.

This is an oversimplification due to the nature of a Blog, but when a spouse slips from rejoicing and seeing the other as appealing (taken from loving and graceful), then satisfaction is made vulnerable. If the spouse then seeks satisfaction outside the relationship, there is extreme vulnerability to the mutual captivation that should be a part of a healthy oneness relationship.

When spouses experience a rough spot in the marriage and the flow of blessing, rejoicing, appeal, satisfaction, and captivation is interrupted and the spouse begins to seek, explore, or find satisfaction elsewhere, then ‘marriage is hard’ becomes a reality. The teacher is clear in the Proverbs; if the desire is a healthy oneness relationship, that is not a grueling process of warily giving on some things and greedily taking what is perceived to be rightful, then we must insert our relationship into the flow of these principles.

I will state again that this is a great oversimplification of the relationship that is not overly hard. I have personally spent hours poring over the damning effects of pornography and emotional affairs, and yet it is barely mentioned here. Simply put, rejoice in each other, be satisfied exclusively by each other, and enter into the wonder of mutual captivation.

The Hebrew verb being translated as captivated here has several other potential options; enraptured, intoxicated, exhilarated, ravished, lost in love, and delighted. These verbs are then accompanied by adverbs like; constantly, always, continually, and forever. Our eyes should swell and our hearts swoon when we realize that infatuation and honeymooners syndrome does not have to be permanently extinguished as a relationship matures. So I will again echo the words of the teacher, rejoice in each other, be satisfied in each other, and be captivated by each other! This should lead to a oneness relationship that is a far cry from the difficult marriage relationships touted by our culture today.

Contact Dr. White and Associates, P.C. for Lubbock marriage counseling.

Why is Marriage So HARD? Pt. 2

Mark White — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:18:47 +0000

Two weeks ago I posted the first three principles of how to rely on God’s design for marriage and how that design allows access to marriage that is not oh-so-difficult. Those principles are based on Jesus’ guidance for us to love God, ourselves, and our spouses in a trinity of self-supporting and mutually beneficial relationships. If you haven’t read it yet I encourage to take a few minutes to do so.

This week I will be coming to you from Proverbs 5:18 & 19. It is here that husbands are encouraged to behave towards their wives in a particular way. The New English Translation (NET) puts it this way:

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in your young wife – a loving doe, a graceful deer; may her breasts satisfy you at all times, may you be captivated by her love always.

It is important to note that these are not commands, rather they are God’s design parameters for a oneness relationship. This isn’t about following rules to the T so that you can get to heaven or following the rules so that you can have the perfect marriage. This design is about relationship; authentic, durable, and wonderful relationship with a spouse. When these guidelines flow out of Matthew 22:36-40, they offer a wonderful way to attend to your spouse’s heart.

The first of the three principles is rejoicing. The NET uses the words “young wife” or for our purposes we could read “young spouse.” Well, I don’t know about you, but 15 years into my marriage I’m not a “young” spouse anymore! I would wager that my dad, having been married for 40 years this September would say the same thing about himself (note the wise use of masculine pronouns in reference to age and youth gentlemen). With that in mind, I would like to look toward the New International Version which reads “may you rejoice in the wife (read spouse) of your youth.” This wording lands with a larger audience, and takes nothing away from the original meaning or intent.

I would like to proceed to the main point, rejoicing in our spouses. This idea was introduced to me several months ago by dad (Dr. White) and it was a little bit of an odd conversation. I say odd because the whole concept of sitting around and thinking of the aspects of our spouses that are good is, well, different. On the flip side it is super easy to be angry about something and launch off into an internal monologue that is critical and contemptive. We are human and we at times tend toward a more selfish and self-centered course of action. This may be where the notion of marriage being difficult comes from because God’s prescription is opposite of a selfish response. Rejoicing in the one that you fell in love with all those years ago, over time and with practice, builds ease and strength into a marriage. However, that internal negative discourse that tends toward contempt and criticism, builds division and leads to divorce. John Gottman identifies 4 negative behaviors that predict divorce; contempt and criticism are two of them. I want to encourage you all to fill your mind with the aspects of your spouse that are wonderful. For example, Stephanie (my wife) is a wonderful partner in this adventure of life. She is a caring and kind mother to our three children, she is passionate about women’s health and childbirth, she is smart, she is witty and funny, she is an excellent cook, she is fun to be around, and for whatever reason she chose me. Now, we both know that the above is not the full description, and you know that your spouse has both positive and negative qualities. Despite that, we should fill our minds with the good things about our spouse, rejoicing in them and in their presence in our lives. The truth is, wherever we allow our minds to go, whatever we choose to dwell on, those are the thoughts that will prevail. If we choose to allow our minds to jog down the path of contempt, that path will become well-worn, well known, and…easy. However, if you choose to honor your spouse by refusing to be overly critical and contemptive in the least, and you choose to build in your mind a well-worn path of praise, then the act of rejoicing in the spouse of your youth will become the easy action.

I encourage you to rejoice more often in your spouse and overcome contempt and criticism.

This turned out to be far longer than I intended. I will get to the other two points next week. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Like and share on Facebook and Twitter.

Contact Dr. White and Associates, P.C. for marriage counseling in Lubbock.

Why is Marriage So HARD?

Mark White — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 21:18:28 +0000

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend and we began talking about marriage. I stated I didn’t think marriage has to be as hard as our culture, even our churches make it out to be. His eyes narrowed, he tilted his head, “REALLY! You think marriage doesn’t have to be that hard?”

Why wouldn’t my friend think that way? We hear it all the time. All the clichés; “it’s a 50/50 deal, no it isn’t you gotta give 100%, there’s no way, if you’re not in it 110% the wheels are gonna fall off.” Even in church we hear preachers tell us how difficult marriage is these days. It is an understandably easy conclusion to draw with the common, and highly debatable, stats proclaiming the divorce rate to be around 50%. All of that aside, the fact remains that marriage can be tough. My wife and I have met with hard times, even had bitter words with each other, but the other fact is that it doesn’t have to be that way, choice factors into the equation. Dr. White (dad) has some thoughts on the matter and I would like to share 7 principles behind God’s design for healthy marriage.

We’ll start in Matthew 22:36-40 for our first 3 points. You may think this an odd spot to start, Jesus being interrogated by a lawyer, but Jesus’ answer to a spiteful question is beautiful. Jesus tells the group of religious-lawyers that the greatest command is to love GOD first, then your NEIGHBOR, but as YOURSELF. So we have; loving GOD as number one, and for reasons I’ll get to in a bit, SELF as second, and then NEIGHBOR (read SPOUSE) as third.

The first part thoroughly grounds this in Christianity. Being committed to the teachings of Jesus and a lover of God’s ways is a great place to start. Jesus says so much about love, justice, forgiveness, grace, peace, and a multitude of other good things that we could all apply more of in our lives and marriages. While this is an important point, I don’t have any Christian friends who are going to argue this point with me and loving God is not the main point to this blog, so I’ll cut love of GOD short. One more caveat, I understand that many married couples are not Christian, and while it is in our opinion optimal to fully engage in the first part, the following principles are still valuable for those who have chosen another spiritual or non-spiritual path.

Next, we will move to the SELF and SPOUSE part of the equation. A person has to take care of their SELF in order to fully and appropriately give love away to another. This does not mean that the SELF is allowed to be selfish. Dad uses the analogy of the oxygen masks on an airplane. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure there are precious few seconds to get the mask on before a person passes out. If I am sitting next to my 8 year old son on an airplane, the thing I’m going to want to do is brush my mask aside and get the mask on my son. In this situation, the counterintuitive thing to do is secure the mask on the SELF in order that the SELF have something to give away to the other. Without SELF care and SELF love you will lack the ability to give your SPOUSE the love and attention they were designed to receive from you.

Jesus did not simply mean ‘the guy next door” when he said NEIGHBOR. In this case He simply means another person and in our case here, NEIGHBOR means SPOUSE. This point seems pretty easy to understand, love your SPOUSE in the same manner that you love your SELF. Possibly this is where we get all the flak about difficulty and hardship, because this can be a difficult accomplishment. However, I would recommend that we assume the best in our SPOUSEs and give them the due consideration they deserve as partners in life. The following points will give us insight on how to accomplish this.

The ease comes when both spouses operate under these principals. It is easy to love someone with my whole heart and self when they are loving me with their whole heart and self. The point that marriage does not have to be hard doesn’t mean that there won’t be hard times. The point is that God designed marriage. God’s designs are good, they work. Dad told me the other day that when marriage isn’t easy someone is usually being selfish. That may be an oversimplification to some degree, but my goodness what a point.

I want to encourage my brothers and sisters to go forth and love GOD, love your SELF, and from the deep pool provided to you in that relationship between SELF and GOD, love your SPOUSE in the same manner that you love your SELF.

Hold on for another two weeks and I’ll get the other principles out to you.

Peace.

Questions? Contact Dr. White and Associates, P.C. for marriage counseling in Lubbock, TX.