Relationships – Dr. White & Associates, P.C. https://dwatherapy.com Therapists & Counselors in Lubbock, Tx Tue, 08 Sep 2026 20:32:44 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1.2 Why Shame Doesn’t Change Behavior https://dwatherapy.com/why-shame-doesnt-change-behavior/ Tue, 08 Sep 2026 20:32:44 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2786

If your spouse has done something that broke trust, lied, hidden something, or crossed a line you didn’t think they’d cross, it’s natural to want them to feel the full weight of it. Some part of that instinct is healthy. Real change does require real ownership. But there’s an important difference between accountability and shame, and it matters more than it might seem.

Here it is plainly: shame does not create lasting change. It creates relief-seeking.

What It Looks Like From the Outside

Shame-driven confrontations often look intense and can, in the moment, seem to produce results. The offending spouse looks remorseful. They apologize repeatedly. They may promise it will never happen again, and mean it in the moment. But weeks or months later, the same behavior resurfaces, sometimes in a more hidden form than before.

This can be baffling and infuriating for the betrayed spouse, who reasonably thinks: they seemed so sorry. Why didn’t it stick?

What’s Actually Happening Underneath

Shame and accountability are often treated as the same thing, but they function very differently. Accountability says: what I did was harmful, and I am responsible for repairing it. Shame says: I am fundamentally bad because of what I did. One is about behavior. The other is about identity.

The problem with shame isn’t that it’s too harsh. It’s that it’s ineffective at the one thing it’s meant to do. When a person is flooded with shame, their nervous system doesn’t move toward growth. It moves toward escape. Shame is unbearable to sit inside of for long, so the brain looks for relief. Sometimes that relief looks like defensiveness. Sometimes it looks like over-apologizing without real behavior change. And sometimes, painfully, it looks like a return to the exact behavior that produced the shame in the first place, because that behavior, whatever it was, may have originally functioned as a relief valve as well.

This is why condemnation often produces secrecy rather than honesty. A person drowning in shame isn’t likely to bring their next struggle into the light. They’re more likely to hide it better.

None of this excuses harmful behavior. Naming this pattern isn’t about protecting the offending spouse from consequences. It’s about understanding what actually produces change, so that real accountability, not a shame spiral that quietly resets the cycle, has a chance to take hold.

A Grounded Example

Consider a spouse who had been secretly overspending, hiding purchases and lying about the family’s finances. When it came to light, the other spouse’s hurt and anger were completely understandable, and the confrontations that followed were intense. The offending spouse cried, apologized profusely, and swore it would stop.

For a few weeks, it did. Then it started again, smaller amounts, more carefully hidden.

What was missing wasn’t remorse. There was plenty of remorse. What was missing was a structure for accountability that didn’t rely on shame to enforce it: shared visibility into accounts, an authentic look at what the spending had actually been coping with, and consistent truth-telling over time rather than a single emotionally overwhelming conversation. Once shame stopped being the primary tool, real change had somewhere to land.

What Actually Helps

Real accountability tends to include a few things shame doesn’t: clear ownership of what happened, an honest look at what the behavior was accomplishing, concrete structure going forward, and enough emotional safety that the person doesn’t have to hide the next struggle for fear of another shame spiral.

This is true whether the behavior in question is financial secrecy, dishonesty, unwanted sexual behavior, or something else entirely. The pattern holds: shame produces hiding. Safety and clear accountability produce authenticity, and authenticity is what change actually requires.

If you’re the betrayed spouse in this situation, this isn’t a call to minimize what happened or rush toward forgiveness. It’s an invitation to pursue a form of accountability that’s more likely to actually work.

Questions Worth Sitting With

– When I’ve confronted my spouse in the past, was I aiming at their behavior, or at their sense of self?

– Has shame ever made it harder for me to admit something, even when I knew I needed to?

– What would accountability without shame actually look like in our relationship, specific, structural, ongoing?

This framework assumes a relationship where both people are capable of working toward change, however imperfectly. It is not a guide for situations involving coercion, control, threats, or abuse. If that describes what you are facing, the priority is safety, not this kind of accountability work. Please reach out to a professional trained in domestic abuse and safety planning first.

Change Is Still Possible

Wanting your spouse to feel the weight of what they did doesn’t make you unreasonable. But if the goal is lasting change and not just a moment of visible remorse, shame is rarely the tool that gets you there. Structure, honesty, and safety tend to do what shame can’t.

If your relationship is working through a breach of trust, a therapist trained in accountability and betrayal recovery can help you build something more durable than an apology, a real path toward change that doesn’t rely on shame to hold it together.

Schedule a consultation with Dr. White & Associates at dwatherapy.com/schedule-an-appointment, or call (806) 780-0003.

]]> Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight? https://dwatherapy.com/why-do-we-keep-having-the-same-fight/ Thu, 03 Sep 2026 14:46:57 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2777

You’ve had this fight before. Maybe not these exact words, but this exact shape. It starts about the dishes, or the schedule, or something one of you said in front of the kids. Ten minutes in, you’re not even talking about that anymore. You’re talking about whether you matter to each other.

If this feels familiar, you’re not imagining it, and you’re not doing marriage wrong. Most couples who feel stuck in a loop aren’t actually failing to communicate. They’re communicating clearly. It’s just that the real conversation is happening one level below the one they think they’re having.

What It Looks Like From the Outside

From the outside, it looks like the same argument on repeat. One partner brings something up. The other gets defensive, or shuts down, or brings up something unrelated from three years ago. Voices rise, or one person goes quiet in a way that feels louder than yelling. Nothing gets resolved. A day or a week later, some version of it happens again.

Couples in this pattern often describe feeling like they’re arguing about everything, money, parenting, in-laws, chores, when really, it’s the same fight wearing different clothes.

What’s Actually Happening Underneath

Here’s a distinction worth sitting with: most couples don’t fall apart dramatically. They drift slowly, one unspoken story at a time.

Early in a relationship, two people build something we might call a shared narrative, a running, mutual understanding of who they are, what they mean to each other, and what their life together is for. Over time, without anyone intending it, that shared story can start to split. One person quietly starts carrying a narrative the other doesn’t know about, a private account of feeling criticized, or dismissed, or alone in the marriage. The other partner is often unaware this story even exists. They just notice the criticism, the distance, or the shutdown, and respond to that, not to the story underneath it.

This is what we mean by a divergent narrative. Both people are still in the marriage. But they’ve stopped living inside the same understanding of it.

When this happens, the specific topic of any given fight stops being the point. The budget fight isn’t really about the budget. It’s often about whether one person still feels considered. The parenting disagreement isn’t really about the rule you’re debating. It’s about whether you’re a team or opponents. The facts of the argument matter, but they’re rarely what determines whether the conversation actually goes anywhere.

This is why “communicating better” often doesn’t fix it. You can get much better at stating your case and still lose the argument that matters, because the argument that matters was never about the facts.

A Grounded Example

Consider a couple, we’ll call them Jordan and Sam, who found themselves fighting constantly about scheduling. Jordan believed Sam never checked in before making plans, which caused feelings of hurt, anxiety, confusion, and rejection. Sam believed Jordan was controlling and never trusted her judgment, which caused feelings of hurt, anxiety, confusion, and rejection. Every conversation about the calendar turned into a standoff.

When they slowed down enough to talk about what was underneath it, something different came up. Jordan had quietly begun to believe he was an afterthought in Sam’s decisions—neither consulted nor considered. Sam had quietly started to believe that nothing she did was ever enough, that she was always one step away from being criticized. Neither of them had said any of this out loud. They’d just been fighting about the calendar instead.
The calendar wasn’t the real disagreement. The real disagreement was two different, unspoken stories about whether they still mattered to each other and the pain that resulted from the skewed narrative.

What Actually Helps

You don’t fix a divergent narrative by winning the argument about the schedule, the budget, or the chores. You fix it by getting curious about the story your spouse has been quietly carrying, and letting them get curious about yours.

A practical place to start: before your next disagreement escalates, try pausing to ask a different question than the one you’re used to asking. Instead of “Can you just admit I’m right about this?” try “What has this actually felt like for you, not just this argument, but the pattern behind it?”

You’re not required to resolve everything in one conversation. The goal isn’t agreement on the facts. The goal is closing the gap between the story you’ve each been living in and getting closer to the same narrative page.

Questions Worth Sitting With

– What is one thing I’ve been quietly assuming about my spouse’s intentions that I’ve never actually said out loud?
– If my spouse described “the story of our marriage right now,” would it sound like the same story I’d tell?
– What is the recurring fight in our relationship actually about, underneath the topic it seems to be about?

You’re Not Failing at This

A marriage can drift without either person doing anything obviously wrong. That’s part of what makes it so disorienting. There’s no single moment to point to, no clear villain, just a slow accumulation of untold stories. The good news is that the same slow process that created the distance can also close it. It just requires two people willing to ask what the other has actually been carrying.

If this is where your relationship is right now, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Schedule a consultation with Dr. White & Associates at dwatherapy.com/schedule-an-appointment, or call (806) 780-0003.

]]> Infidelity Recovery: Healing Through the 4Rs https://dwatherapy.com/infidelity-recovery-healing-through-the-4rs/ Thu, 25 Jun 2026 14:00:15 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2745

Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a couple can face. Whether it involved a sexual affair, an emotional relationship, pornography, compulsive sexual behavior, secret messaging, or another form of betrayal, the impact is often devastating. The betrayed partner may feel shocked, confused, angry, numb, anxious, or unable to trust their own judgment. The partner who betrayed may feel shame, defensiveness, fear, regret, or uncertainty about how to repair the damage.
When betrayal enters a relationship, many couples wonder the same thing: Can we recover from this?

The answer is not simple, but it is hopeful. Infidelity does not automatically mean the relationship has to end. Recovery is possible, but it requires more than an apology, more than time passing, and more than trying to “move on.” Healing requires structure, honesty, emotional safety, and a willingness to do difficult work over time.

One helpful way to understand the healing process is through the 4Rs of Infidelity Recovery:

Reconnection, Resolve, Rebuilding Trust, and Releasing Hurt.

These steps are not always perfectly linear. Couples may move back and forth between them. Some days may feel hopeful, while others may feel discouraging. That does not mean the process is failing. It means the couple is working through the real impact of betrayal.

1. Reconnection: Restoring Emotional Safety

After infidelity, emotional connection is often shattered. The betrayed partner may not feel safe being vulnerable. The partner who betrayed may want to reconnect quickly but not know how to tolerate the pain, anger, or questions that come with repair.

Reconnection is not about pretending things are fine. It is about creating enough emotional safety for both partners to stay present.

This begins with slowing down. When one or both partners are dysregulated, the conversation can quickly turn into circular arguments, defensiveness, blame, or shutdown. In those moments, the goal is not to “win” the conversation. The goal is to regulate enough to hear and understand each other.

For the betrayed partner, reconnection may sound like:
“I need you to understand how unsafe I feel right now.”
For the partner who betrayed, reconnection may sound like:
“I know I caused this pain. I want to listen without defending myself.”

Reconnection requires validation. Validation does not mean agreement with every interpretation or detail. It means recognizing the emotional reality of the other person. A betrayed partner usually does not need a quick fix in the beginning. They need to know their pain is being taken seriously.

Helpful questions for this stage include:
What helps me feel emotionally safe?
When do I feel most connected to my partner?
What causes me to shut down, defend, or pull away?
What does vulnerability look like right now?

Small moments matter. A calm check-in, a sincere apology, a moment of eye contact, or one partner choosing to listen instead of defend can become the beginning of reconnection.

2. Resolve: Creating Clarity Without Causing More Harm

Betrayal creates confusion. The betrayed partner often feels like the story of the relationship has been shattered. What they thought was true no longer feels reliable. They may replay memories, search for clues, ask repeated questions, or wonder what else they do not know.

This is not “being dramatic.” It is the mind trying to make sense of something that broke trust and shared meaning.

Resolve means creating enough clarity about what happened so the betrayed partner is not left living in uncertainty. This does not mean every graphic or unnecessary detail must be shared. In fact, too much detail can sometimes create additional intrusive images and trauma. But a vague, minimized, or incomplete story often keeps the betrayed partner stuck in rumination.

The goal is a truthful, clear, and compassionate understanding of what happened and how it happened.

This may include questions like:
When did it start?
How was it hidden?
Who knew?
Is there still contact?
What boundaries are now in place?
What made the betrayal possible?
What has changed so this does not continue?

These conversations need structure. Trying to answer everything in the middle of an argument at midnight rarely leads to healing. Couples often benefit from writing down essential questions, reviewing them with a therapist, and setting aside planned times for disclosure and discussion.

Resolve is not about punishing the betraying partner with endless interrogation. It is about helping the betrayed partner regain a sense of reality, stability, and peace.

The partner who betrayed must be willing to answer authentically, tolerate discomfort, and resist the urge to minimize. The betrayed partner must be supported in asking what is necessary for clarity while also protecting themselves from details that may deepen trauma rather than promote healing.

3. Rebuilding Trust: Consistency Over Time

Many people believe trust is either present or gone forever. But trust can be rebuilt when there is consistent, authentic, observable behavior over time. Essentially, individual data points painting a picture of reliability.

The key phrase is over time.

Trust is not rebuilt because the betraying partner says, “You should trust me now.” It is rebuilt when their actions become reliable enough that the betrayed partner begins to experience safety again.

That means doing what you say you will do. Going where you say you are going. Telling the truth even when it is uncomfortable. Being authentic without resentment. Following through on boundaries. Ending secrecy. Accepting accountability.

For some couples, rebuilding trust may include practical agreements such as:
Open communication about schedules
Clear boundaries with phones, social media, coworkers, or former affair partners
Regular check-ins
Individual therapy
Couples therapy
Recovery or accountability groups
Written plans for triggers, travel, or high-risk situations
Consistency in daily routines

These actions should not be treated as punishment. They are part of the repair.

The partner who betrayed may feel frustrated that trust is not restored quickly. But trust is not rebuilt by pressure. It is rebuilt by repeated data points of honesty, humility, and follow-through.

The betrayed partner also has work in this stage, but it is not the work of “just getting over it.” Their work is to notice what is actually happening in the present, name triggers when they arise, and slowly allow trustworthy behavior to matter.

Rebuilding trust often happens in small, ordinary moments. A text sent when promised. A hard question answered without defensiveness. A boundary kept. A moment of reassurance offered without complaint. Over time, these moments begin to form a new pattern and narrative.

4. Releasing Hurt: Forgiveness as a Process, Not a Demand

There is a lot said about “forgive and forget,” and much of it is unhelpful.

Betrayed partners do not forget. Nor should they be pressured to pretend the betrayal did not matter. Infidelity becomes part of the couple’s story. The goal is not to erase it. The goal is to integrate it in a way that no longer controls the relationship.

Releasing hurt does not mean excusing the betrayal. It does not mean rushing forgiveness. It does not mean staying in a relationship that remains unsafe. It means gradually working through grief, resentment, anger, and loss so the betrayed partner is not forced to carry the full emotional weight forever.

There is grief in infidelity recovery. Couples grieve what they thought they had. They grieve innocence, assumptions, memories, trust, and the version of the relationship that existed before discovery. The betrayed partner may grieve “what should have been.” The partner who betrayed may grieve the damage they caused and the person they became in the betrayal.

Forgiveness, when it comes, is usually a process before it is an event. It cannot be demanded. It cannot be rushed. And it should not be used to silence pain.

Helpful questions in this stage include:
What pain am I still carrying?
What losses need to be grieved?
What would releasing resentment look like without denying reality?
Am I ready to move toward forgiveness, or do I still need more repair?
What does a new normal look like for us?

Releasing hurt happens as safety grows, clarity increases, trust becomes more consistent, and grief is honored. It is not the first step. It is often the fruit of the work that came before it.

Putting the 4Rs Together

The 4Rs are not a quick fix. Infidelity recovery often takes months or longer. Some couples need individual therapy, couples therapy, recovery work, disclosure support, trauma treatment, or all of the above.

But the 4Rs give couples a map.

Reconnection helps restore emotional safety.
Resolve helps clarify the narrative and reduce rumination.
Rebuilding Trust creates new evidence of reliability.
Releasing Hurt allows grief and forgiveness to unfold over time.

Healing after infidelity is difficult work. It requires courage from both partners. The betrayed partner needs room to hurt, ask, grieve, and heal. The partner who betrayed needs to practice authenticity, accountability, empathy, and consistency without demanding immediate relief from the consequences of their choices.

A relationship after betrayal will not be the same as it was before. But with the right support, it can become better than it ever was, with thriving authenticity, abundant life, and oneness.

Infidelity is a rupture. Recovery is a process. And for couples willing to do the work, there can be hope beyond betrayal.

]]> When the Laundry Kills the Mood https://dwatherapy.com/when-the-laundry-kills-the-mood/ Thu, 26 Feb 2026 15:00:40 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2628

Sexual desire, ADHD, and the weirdly intimate battlefield of household chores

There’s a special kind of heartbreak in modern adulthood: you finally have a sliver of time, you’re actually feeling a little spark… and then you walk past the overflowing sink, the laundry mountain, or the sticky counter, and your body quietly closes the tabs.

For many couples, chores don’t just create conflict—they shape desire. And when ADHD is in the mix, that intersection gets even more intense: not because anyone is lazy or uncaring, but because ADHD changes how attention, time, overwhelm, motivation, and follow-through work in the brain.

This isn’t a blog about “do more chores and you’ll get more sex.” That’s transactional and usually backfires. This is a blog about why chores can become a desire-killer (or desire-booster), why ADHD amplifies it, and what couples can do to get back on the same team—without turning the bedroom into a performance review.

1) Desire isn’t just about attraction—it’s about nervous system state

A simple way to frame this: sexual desire tends to show up when the nervous system feels safe, resourced, and connected.

Chores are rarely just chores. They often represent:

  • Mental load (“If I don’t track it, it won’t happen.”)
  • Fairness (“I’m carrying this alone.”)
  • Respect (“Do you value my time?”)
  • Security (“Can I rely on you?”)
  • Bandwidth (“My brain is already at 96%.”)

When a home feels chaotic or a partner feels alone in the workload, the body may interpret that as: not now. Desire doesn’t always respond to romantic intentions; it responds to internal conditions.

2) ADHD turns the chore system into a chronic stressor—for everyone

ADHD is not a character flaw. It’s a neurodevelopmental difference that commonly affects:

  • initiation (starting tasks)
  • task switching
  • working memory (holding steps in mind)
  • time estimation
  • prioritizing (what matters now)
  • sustaining attention on boring tasks
  • emotional regulation (shame, defensiveness, overwhelm)

Household chores are basically a highlight reel of the hardest things ADHD brains are asked to do: repetitive, low-dopamine, multi-step, time-sensitive, and socially judged.

What the non-ADHD partner often experiences

  • “Why am I always the one noticing?”
  • “Why do I have to ask?”
  • “If it mattered to you, you’d remember.”
  • “I feel like your manager, not your partner.”

What the ADHD partner often experiences

  • “I was going to do it, I just… didn’t.”
  • “I forget until it’s urgent.”
  • “I feel constantly criticized.”
  • “I can’t win, so why try?”
  • “I hate that I disappoint you.”

Both sets of experiences are real. And when neither person feels understood, chores become emotionally loaded—then desire gets caught in the crossfire.

3) The “parent/child dynamic” is an absolute desire extinguisher

One of the most common patterns couples describe (especially with ADHD) is the manager/mess-maker loop:

  1. One partner tracks, reminds, nags, or rescues.
  2. The other partner feels controlled, ashamed, or overwhelmed.
  3. Resentment builds on both sides.
  4. Sex starts to feel confusing: “How am I supposed to want someone I’m parenting?” / “How am I supposed to want sex when I feel like a failure?”

Even if nobody intends it, the chore system can accidentally create a relational hierarchy—and desire doesn’t thrive where someone feels like a dependent or a supervisor.

4) Desire can tank for two very different reasons: resentment or overwhelm

Chores hit desire through at least two pathways:

Pathway A: Resentment (often non-ADHD partner, but not always)
When someone feels unseen or unsupported, desire can shift into self-protection:

  • “Why would I offer my body when my life feels heavier because of you?”
  • “If I relax, nothing gets done.”

Pathway B: Overwhelm / shame (often ADHD partner, but not always)
When someone feels behind, criticized, or like they’re failing, desire can shut down too:

  • “I can’t be sexy while I’m drowning.”
  • “If sex happens, will it turn into another area I’m disappointing you?”

In other words: both partners can lose desire for totally different reasons at the same time—and then both feel rejected.

5) The hidden link: dopamine, novelty, and “chore blindness”

ADHD brains often chase dopamine through novelty, urgency, interest, or reward. Chores offer… almost none of that. Which means:

  • the dishwasher can be invisible until it’s catastrophic
  • tasks can’t “register” until there’s external pressure
  • the brain may want to do it, but can’t access the start button
  • time can disappear (“I thought it would take 10 minutes… it took 50.”)

This can accidentally create a system where the non-ADHD partner becomes the external urgency. They don’t want that job—and the ADHD partner doesn’t want to need it—but the home system keeps pulling them into those roles.

6) The good news: chore repair can become intimacy repair

When couples change their chore dynamic, they often notice a surprising side effect: not just fewer fights, but more warmth, play, and sexual openness. Why?

Because practical reliability communicates something deeply erotic at a nervous-system level:

  • “I’ve got you.”
  • “You can rest.”
  • “You’re not alone.”
  • “We’re a team.”
  • “I’m competent, and I care.”

That’s not transactional. That’s relational safety.

7) What helps: a desire-friendly chore system for
ADHD couples

Here are approaches that tend to work better than “try harder”:

A) Replace “fair” with “clear”
“Fair” can become an endless debate. “Clear” is measurable.

  • Who owns each domain (kitchen, laundry, bills, kids’ logistics)?
  • What does “done” mean?
  • When does it happen?
  • What’s the minimum viable version?

Ownership beats assistance. “I’ll help” often keeps one person as the manager. “I own laundry start-to-finish” removes ambiguity.

B) Make chores ADHD-accessible (design > willpower)
Think: fewer steps, more cues, less memory required.

  • visual checklists where the task happens
  • timers and reminders that aren’t your partner’s voice
  • “closing shift” routines (10 minutes, same time daily)
  • duplicate supplies (a wipes container in each bathroom)
  • open bins instead of lids
  • simplify standards (good enough beats perfect)

Your house isn’t a moral test. It’s a system. Systems can be redesigned.

C) Use “body doubling” for the boring stuff
Doing parallel tasks in the same room (music on, phones away) can make chores dramatically easier for ADHD brains—and can feel oddly connecting.

It’s not romantic… but it creates a sense of teamwork that often feeds romance later.

D) Protect sex from being a reward or punishment
If sex becomes the currency of chores, you’ll get:

  • pressure
  • resentment
  • duty sex
  • performance anxiety

Instead, aim for this message:

  • “Chores affect my nervous system and my openness, but sex is not your paycheck.”

E) Shift from “initiation = request” to “initiation = invitation”
Many ADHD partners already feel evaluated. If initiation sounds like a test, they may withdraw. Try invitations that reduce pressure:

  • “Want to cuddle for 5 minutes and see where it goes?”
  • “I miss you. Can we connect tonight—no agenda?”
  • “Can we do a reset together and then shower?”

8) A simple script for the chore/desire conversation

Try this when you’re calm (not mid-fight, not mid-rejection):

Partner A (often the overloaded one):
“When the house feels chaotic, my body goes into management mode. I don’t feel relaxed, and my desire gets harder. I don’t want to nag you—I want to feel partnered.”

Partner B (often the ADHD one):
“When I feel criticized or like I’m failing, I shut down and avoid. It’s not that I don’t care. I need a system that doesn’t rely on my memory and shame.”

Together:
“Let’s pick two chore domains to redesign this month, and also protect one
intentional connection time each week that isn’t about chores.”

That last part matters: chore repair without connection can feel like “we’re just optimizing labor.” Connection without chore repair can feel like “we’re ignoring the problem.” Most couples need both.

9) The bottom line

Sexual desire lives at the intersection of biology, emotion, and context. For many couples, household chores aren’t a side issue—they’re part of the context that tells your body whether it’s safe to soften.

ADHD doesn’t doom your relationship or your sex life. But it does mean you can’t rely on invisible expectations and hope. You need explicit design, shared ownership, and less shame.

When the chore system stops making one partner the manager and the other the disappointment, something beautiful often happens:

The home feels quieter.

The relationship feels lighter.

And desire—without being demanded—has room to show up again.

]]> How to Choose a Therapist When Sex Is Part of What You’re Working On https://dwatherapy.com/how-to-choose-a-therapist-when-sex-is-part-of-what-youre-working-on/ Tue, 10 Feb 2026 15:00:12 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2614

When sex is one of the issues in therapy: low desire, mismatched libido, porn use, infidelity, erectile or orgasm difficulties, painful sex, shame, trauma, orientation/identity questions, or just feeling stuck, it can be hard to know where to start. The stakes feel higher. You may be concerned about being judged, misunderstood, or pressured into someone else’s values.

The good news: there are therapists who are trained, ethical, and genuinely helpful in this area. The trick is knowing how to vet them.

Below is a practical guide to finding a therapist who is competent with sexual concerns and a good fit for you.

Start with clarity: what kind of help are you actually seeking?

Sex can be “the problem,” but it’s often also the signal of other dynamics:

  • Individual concerns: shame, anxiety, compulsive sexual behavior, trauma, libido changes, identity questions, performance concerns, pain, medical/medication impacts
  • Relationship concerns: desire discrepancy, betrayal/affairs, communication, consent/pressure dynamics, resentment, mismatch in values, recovery from porn secrecy, rebuilding intimacy
  • Life-stage changes: postpartum, menopause, aging, stress, grief, illness, parenting, faith transitions

This matters because the right credential and approach depend on what you’re facing. A couple’s issue may benefit from a couples therapist trained in relationship systems. A trauma-driven sexual concern may require a therapist with trauma training. Medical issues may require collaboration with a physician or pelvic floor specialist.

Credential basics: what to look for first

Not every “sex therapist” title means the same thing, because in many places, “sex therapist” is not a legally protected term. Anyone can sometimes use it in marketing. That’s why licensure and training matter.

1) Verify they’re a licensed mental health professional

Look for a current license, such as:

  • LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
  • LPC/LMHC (Licensed Professional Counselor / Mental Health Counselor)
  • LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)
  • Psychologist (PhD/PsyD)
  • Psychiatrist (MD/DO, usually for medication + diagnosis; may also do therapy)

You should be able to confirm their license on your state’s licensing board website.

2) Look for specific sex therapy training (not just interest)

Common reputable indicators include training/certification through established organizations (ISTI, SHA, AASECT). Certifications and whether they have documented training and supervised experience with sexual concerns are crucial.

A strong clinician can clearly describe:

  • their training background
  • the types of sexual concerns they commonly treat
  • how they work (assessment, goals, methods, boundaries)

3) If it’s a couple’s issue, look for couples-specialized training

Couples work is its own specialty. Useful indicators include training in evidence-based couples’ modalities such as:

  • EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy)
  • Gottman Method
  • Imago (varies by clinician)
  • Integrative/systemic couples therapy training

Sex problems inside a relationship often require skills in attachment, conflict patterns, communication, betrayal repair, and rebuilding trust, not just sex education.

Green flags: what a good sex-competent therapist does

Here’s what you want to see early on (often in the consult call or first session):

They normalize without minimizing

They don’t act shocked. They don’t make you feel “weird.” They can hold nuance: sex matters, and it’s complicated.

They assess comprehensively

A competent therapist asks about:

  • physical health, medications, sleep, stress
  • relationship context (if partnered)
  • trauma history (gently and appropriately)
  • consent and boundaries
  • values, faith, culture (without imposing their own)
  • safety concerns (coercion, abuse, risky behaviors)

They collaborate instead of prescribe

They don’t push a one-size fits-all agenda. They help you set goals that align with your values and relationship agreements.

They have clear boundaries

They explain what therapy is and isn’t, including:

  • no sexual contact, ever
  • no “hands-on” sexual techniques
  • no inappropriate personal disclosures
  • clear policies on confidentiality, fees, messaging, and emergencies

They’re comfortable coordinating care

  • For some issues, the best outcomes involve collaboration with:
  • primary care/OBGYN/urology/endocrinology
  • pelvic floor physical therapy
  • psychiatry (medications)
  • medical evaluation for pain, hormone concerns, ED, etc.

A good therapist isn’t threatened by a medical referral; they welcome it.

Red flags: when to walk away

If you notice any of the following, take it seriously:

  • They shame, moralize, or mock (even subtly).
  • They push their ideology about sex, gender roles, porn, monogamy, religion, etc., without curiosity about yours.
  • They promise quick fixes or guaranteed outcomes.
  • They want explicit sexual details immediately, without explaining why, without pacing, and without building safety first.
  • They blur boundaries (flirtatious comments, suggestive jokes, overly personal disclosures, unclear policies).
  • They present “sex therapy” as manual techniques rather than a professional psychotherapy process.
  • They blame one partner or side with someone without assessing the full system.

Trust your gut. Therapy should feel challenging at times, but not unsafe, shaming, or coercive.

The consult call: questions that quickly reveal fit

Many therapists offer a brief phone consult. Use it. Here are practical questions you can ask:

About experience & training

  • “What training do you have in working with sexual concerns?”
  • “How often do you work with issues like mine?”
  • “Do you work more with individuals, couples, or both?”

About approach

  • “How do you typically assess what’s going on?”
  • “What does treatment usually look like: skills, homework, communication tools, trauma work, etc.?”
  • “How do you handle differences in desire between partners?”

About values and neutrality

  • “How do you work with clients who have strong religious or cultural values around sex?”
  • “Do you take a sex-positive approach, and what does that mean to you?”
    • (A good answer is usually about consent, agency, reducing shame, and aligning sex with your values, not pushing any particular lifestyle.)

About porn/compulsivity betrayal (if relevant)

  • “How do you define problematic sexual behavior versus high libido?”
  • “How do you help couples rebuild trust after sexual betrayal?”
  • “Do you integrate trauma-informed work for partners impacted by betrayal?”

About boundaries & professionalism

  • “What are your policies on confidentiality, session structure, and communication between sessions?”
  • “Do you coordinate with medical providers if needed?”

You’re listening for clarity, steadiness, and comfort, not perfection.

Matching the therapist to the problem

Here are some common situations and what tends to help:

Painful sex / vaginismus / pelvic pain

Look for: trauma-informed therapist + pelvic floor PT collaboration + medical evaluation.

Erectile/orgasm issues

Look for: anxiety/pressure work, relationship patterns, stress reduction, medical rule-outs, and sometimes couples therapy.

Desire discrepancy

Look for: couples specialist + communication tools + meaning / pressure / resentment work + libido education.

Porn conflict/secrecy/betrayal

Look for: a therapist experienced in betrayal repair, boundaries, accountability, trauma-informed support for the impacted partner, and a clear model for rebuilding trust.

Trauma-related sexual concerns

Look for: trauma-trained clinician (e.g., EMDR, CPT, somatic approaches) who understands how trauma impacts desire, arousal, safety, and attachment.

Practical logistics that matter more than people admit

Specialty fit beats convenience, but consistency is king. Weekly sessions with a good-enough specialist often beat sporadic sessions with the “perfect” person.

Teletherapy can work well for many sex-related issues (especially shame, communication, and education). Some trauma/pain work may benefit from in-person care, depending.

Comfort matters: you should feel respected. You don’t need instant ease, but you should feel emotionally safe.

A final note: you’re allowed to be picky

Choosing a therapist for sexual concerns is not like choosing a random service. You’re inviting someone into one of the most vulnerable areas of your life.

You’re allowed to:

  • Interview more than one therapist
  • Switch if it isn’t a fit
  • Ask direct questions
  • Prioritize safety, competence, and alignment with your values

The right therapist won’t be offended by your vetting; they’ll respect it.

]]> Listen to Tim White on Beyond the Couch! https://dwatherapy.com/listen-to-tim-white-on-beyond-the-couch/ Tue, 10 Feb 2026 15:00:09 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2620

Tim White joins Beyond the Couch for a thoughtful and approachable conversation on sexual health. Drawing on his expertise in sex therapy, relationship trauma, and sex addiction, Tim breaks down the six core principles of sexual health into practical takeaways therapists can apply in their work, all while keeping the discussion engaging and refreshingly easy to talk about.

]]> Sacred Healing: Overcoming Infidelity https://dwatherapy.com/sacred-healing-overcoming-infidelity/ Wed, 01 Oct 2025 14:00:17 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2519
Sacred Healing: Overcoming Infidelity Through Biblically Informed, Emotionally Enhanced, Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Infidelity is one of the most devastating experiences a person or couple can endure. It fractures trust, destabilizes identity, and leaves lasting emotional scars. Whether you have been betrayed or engaged in a form of infidelity, recovery is possible, and healing can be found. Through a trauma-informed, evidence-based approach, couples can rebuild their relationship or move forward in peace. This process does not erase the hurt, but it offers a pathway to healing by incorporating proven therapeutic methods and Biblical truths, helping to restore both emotional and spiritual wholeness. This process decreases the power of the pain.

What is infidelity?
Infidelity needs to be understood in the context of each individual relationship. A partner should be able to define what infidelity is for their partner and vice versa. This should also be communicated more thoroughly than just the one time at the altar when vows are exchanged. Here is a list of potentials to think through.

  • Sexual Infidelity: Physical involvement (sex, kissing, touching) with someone outside the relationship.
  • Emotional Infidelity: Forming a deep, intimate connection with someone else in a way that undermines the emotional bond with one’s partner.
  • Financial or Digital Infidelity: Secretive spending, hidden accounts, sexting, pornography use, or maintaining online relationships that break trust.
  • Breach of Agreement: Ultimately, what counts as infidelity depends on the couple’s explicit or implicit agreements. For some, flirting may cross the line; for others, it may only be sexual contact.

At its core, infidelity isn’t just about the act—it’s about deception, secrecy, and breaking the bond of trust that holds a relationship together.

Understanding the Trauma of Infidelity
Infidelity is not just a breach of trust; it is a profound trauma. The betrayed partner may experience symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress: intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, emotional numbness, and confusion. The unfaithful partner often struggles with shame and guilt, causing further emotional turmoil. Both partners face the question: can this pain be transformed into healing, or will it define the future?

The 4Rs Framework
The 4Rs are designed to guide couples through the emotional and relational recovery process following infidelity. These steps are adaptable, allowing for individualized healing while fostering connection and growth. Through this framework, we can also see God’s redemptive power at work, bringing healing through grace and truth.

1. Reconnection
Reconnection is about rebuilding emotional intimacy. It requires vulnerability from both partners, even if the betrayal has made the connection feel impossible. For healing to occur, both partners need to feel emotionally safe and supported in the relationship. The unfaithful partner must show up with authenticity, and the betrayed partner needs validation of their pain without feeling judged. This can be deeply aligned with God’s call to restore relationships and practice empathy, as we are instructed to “love one another deeply, from the heart” (1 Peter 1:22).

Evidence-based Approach:
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is particularly effective here. It focuses on the attachment bond, encouraging partners to express their emotions in a way that fosters empathy and understanding.

Biblical Insight:
In Matthew 19:5-6, Jesus affirms Genesis 2:24 when speaking about husbands and wives becoming one. For us at Dr. White and Associates, this is more than a sexual act; it is also a deeply emotional one. To understand “oneness,” I believe it is essential to first understand what my wife is feeling and then, secondly, to comprehend what she is thinking. That means reconnection is about an emotional connection first.

In 1st Peter 3:7, we see Peter instructing husbands to consider their wives as they live with them. This consideration and desire to understand the needs of our partners is huge in the realm of reconnection and heart-to-heart understanding.

Reflection Prompts:

  • When do I feel most emotionally connected to my partner?
  • What helps me feel emotionally safe?
  • What does vulnerability look like in our relationship?

2. Resolve
Infidelity shatters shared meaning in a relationship, leading to confusion and distress. To heal, the betrayed partner needs clarity on what happened and why. It’s essential that the unfaithful partner provides honest, straightforward answers to key questions, not to relive the betrayal but to help their partner stop ruminating and regain a sense of control. This is the second part of oneness, where the betrayed partner is given the opportunity to understand what happened.

Evidence-based Approach:
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) can be particularly helpful here. It focuses on cognitive restructuring to challenge and correct the distorted thoughts that often arise after trauma, such as self-blame or obsessive rumination. (We can all agree that the trauma resulted in distorted thoughts. However, a betrayed partner hearing this too soon could ruin the therapeutic relationship. We know the betrayed perspective is that the betrayer did ??? and she needs to be able to understand what did and did not occur.) This would be a good place to add not only that questions must be answered, but that the betraying partner should offer a disclosure to put the truth out there without the betrayed having to ask a bunch of very specific questions. This would go along with the biblical insight of confessing. I do not offer disclosure for the sake of raking the betraying partner over the coals and further shaming him/her. This is an opportunity for the betraying partner to take responsibility and therefore get back to equality in the relationship.

Biblical Insight:
In 1 John 1:9, we are reminded that “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Confession and clarity in this step serve not only to relieve confusion but also to allow both partners to receive grace through the process of honesty and repentance.

Reflection Prompts:

  • What do I still need to understand to feel at peace?
  • What details will provide clarity, not harm?
  • How can I stay regulated during difficult conversations?
  • Will he just give me the full story without me having to ask?

3. Rebuilding Trust
Restoring trust is a gradual process, and it requires consistent, reliable actions over time. Trust is rebuilt when the unfaithful partner shows that they can be counted on to follow through on promises and be open and authentic. This mirrors the Biblical concept of faithfulness: “Let your yes be yes, and your no be no” (James 5:12), which calls for consistent, reliable actions in all relationships. This isn’t the betrayed partner controlling or monitoring the betraying partner constantly; it’s the betraying partner offering up data points that his/her partner can see and then remind themselves of these lived, safe experiences.

Evidence-based Approach:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) plays a role in this phase by helping individuals recognize cognitive distortions and work on realistic, trust-building behaviors. The consistency of actions, combined with a gradual rebuilding of authenticity and good faith, provides a solid foundation for trust to grow. Within the CBT approach and effective communication, the couple can come to agreed-upon trust parameters that then become the basis of follow-through behaviors.

Biblical Insight:
Proverbs 12:22 reminds us that “The Lord detests lying lips, but He delights in people who are trustworthy.” Rebuilding trust involves restoring the integrity of one’s actions, grounded in truth and faithfulness. And, integrity is doing what we say we will do; doing the agreed-upon behaviors.

Reflection Prompts:

  • What does trust look like in my daily life?
  • What actions will help rebuild trust over time?
  • How do I feel when expectations are met or unmet?
  • What expectations can we agree upon?

4. Releasing the Hurt
While forgiveness is often seen as the final step, it’s important to recognize that healing from infidelity does not mean forgetting. It’s a process of releasing the emotional grip that the betrayal holds over you, without denying the hurt. Forgiveness must unfold naturally over time as both partners address their pain and process their emotions.

Evidence-based Approach:
Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and mindfulness techniques can help partners sit with their pain and work through it rather than trying to bypass it. This approach enables individuals to heal without feeling pressured to “move on” before they are ready.

Biblical Insight:
Forgiveness is central to Christian teachings, as we are instructed in Ephesians 4:32 to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” However, it’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean immediate reconciliation or forgetting the pain, but allowing God to transform the heart through the process.

Reflection Prompts:

  • What pain am I still carrying, and where do I feel it?
  • What does releasing the hurt—not forgetting—look like?
  • Am I ready to begin (or continue) the forgiveness process?

Putting It All Together
Healing from infidelity is not a linear process. These steps often overlap, and couples may revisit certain stages over time. It’s important to have regular emotional check-ins and practice emotional regulation. The unfaithful partner must consistently show up with authenticity, and the betrayed partner needs to remain open to the possibility of healing, even if trust takes time.

Summary Table:

 

Step Purpose Key Actions Signs of Progress
Reconnection Re-establish emotional connection Practice vulnerability, validate emotions, create safety Increased empathy, meaningful check-ins, emotional safety
Resolve Create a clear and shared narrative Ask essential questions, review with your therapist, and listen empathically Fewer intrusive thoughts, reduced need for rehashing details
Rebuilding Trust Rebuild consistent trust Be honest, follow through, and maintain open communication More reliability, comfort in routines, confidence rebuilding
Releasing Hurt Let go of resentment without forgetting Grieve losses, allow forgiveness to unfold naturally Lighter emotional load, moments of peace, readiness to move forward

Final Thoughts:
Healing from infidelity is a journey that can lead to growth, understanding, and even a renewed relationship. The 4Rs framework offers a pathway through the pain, combining evidence-based strategies with compassion, patience, and understanding. Whether the relationship moves toward reconciliation or separation, healing is possible when both partners engage in the work of recovery, relying on both their therapeutic tools and God’s healing power. If the decision is separation/divorce, this process may not be appropriate.

As you walk this journey, remember that God’s grace is sufficient, and He is present in every step of the healing process. Let the words of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 remind you: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

]]> Accountability Relationships for Compulsive Sexual Behavior https://dwatherapy.com/accountability-relationships-for-compulsive-sexual-behavior/ Wed, 22 Jan 2025 15:00:30 +0000 https://dwatherapy.com/?p=2232 In my therapy practice, I often hear about personal experiences of accountability. Usually, though, it’s a description of failed accountability, especially when the accountability issue is compulsive sexual behavior. Let’s explore accountability from the perspective of being set up for success. Accountability can be defined as “an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions” (Webster), and as “acknowledgment and assumption of responsibility for actions, . . . (Wikipedia). Further, accountability for husbands in a marriage is set up for success by considering the following elements:

  • Intentional/voluntary – Husbands, enter an accountability relationship by your own personal intention, not just at the request or insistence of your spouse.
  • Purposeful – The purpose of accountability is not to catch a man violating agreed-upon behavior boundaries. The purpose is to assist in maintaining proper/agreed-upon behaviors and to assist in maintaining integrity.
  • Specific and comprehensive – Men, typically we know when we are most likely to act outside of our agreed-upon behavior boundaries; when we are most at risk for actions that we will end up regretting. Successful accountability identifies specific questions to be asked that determine if personal standards of integrity are being met, if specific behaviors are being avoided. Successful accountability is also comprehensive enough to ask if there is anything else occurring that produces shame or guilt, or that a husband thinks would cause emotional pain in his spouse.
  • Scheduled/repeating/random – Successful accountability isn’t a one-time event; it’s scheduled, it’s regularly repeating, and sometimes even random. Schedule your accountability to occur on some repeating basis that works for managing behavior and for scheduling busy people.
  • Personal/transparent/vulnerable – Accountability requires a man to discuss very personal matters. Many men are acculturated toward privacy, avoidance, and superficiality. Choosing an accountability partner is an intentional choice to be deeply vulnerable. Further, successful accountability requires choosing someone who can effectively hear a deep level of personal vulnerability.
  • Not for everybody – When an accountability relationship becomes ineffective it needs to end or simply needs to be recognized as a friendship that no longer functions as accountability. Then another relationship needs to be established that does include accountability elements.
  • Hierarchical – Holding someone accountable, and speaking encouragingly about responsibility creates a sense of reporting to a higher authority. For this reason, successful accountability cannot be a man’s spouse. A committed, intimate marriage relationship is a relationship between two equals.
  • Honest – Successful accountability requires a commitment to be honest with the accountability partner. A lack of honesty is disrespecting of the accountability partner’s time, effort, and commitment.
  • Trusting/confidential – Submitting to accountability questions requires a relationship of trust that is committed to keeping the vulnerable information confidential.
  • Motivating – Living in a context of regularly scheduled accountability questions is motivation to maintain standards of behavioral integrity.
  • Foundational for informed consent – In the case of couples in recovery from some breach of fidelity, her husband’s accountability partnership can contribute to her ability to consent to efforts of healing and recovery. However, this does not mean that an accountability partner should report specifics to the wife. I recommend that at the most, accountability partners simply state to wives that they are holding the husbands accountable. It is the husband’s responsibility to be honest with his wife about breaches of agreed-upon behavior boundaries. Accountability produces increments of trust and security.These elements, when implemented and maintained over time, generally result in success. We are designed for success, let’s use what we have been given. If you want an accountability relationship that is set up for success, inquire at a local church if a staff member can aim you in the direction of someone who would be willing to fill the role. Discussing this list from the very beginning will help in making accountability successful.
]]> 6 Steps to Handling Mistakes in Parenting https://dwatherapy.com/6-steps-to-handling-mistakes-in-parenting/ Tue, 26 Nov 2024 15:00:36 +0000 http://dwatherapy.com/?p=2226

Much is written about parenting, what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and so on. I know there are resources to help parents navigate their shortcomings, but they don’t seem popular or accessible. So, I thought I’d write up something on the topic and how I handle things with my kids.

I tell clients all the time that I believe I am a good therapist; however, I am by no means a perfect husband or father. So what do we do when we hit our own negative defaults and wind up creating some sort of emotional injury?

Grace
Be gracious with yourself. If there is nothing you take from this other than being gracious, that’s what I want you to take. You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. So am I. Sometimes my best isn’t good enough. That’s not an excuse to shout at my kids. But that graciousness allows me to go to the places where I make mistakes and own them in ways that are authentic. Having grace for myself allows for the uncomfortable work of reflecting on my mistakes to be bearable. Whereas, when I’ve made mistakes in the past and then gotten really down on myself for not being a “good” dad, that makes effectively interacting with the mistake a miserable enterprise, which I would then more often than not avoid. In turn, this makes a repeat of the default behavior more likely. So, be gracious with yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Sometimes, that might not be good enough. The good news is that you aren’t dead and you aren’t static. When we have the grace to reflect on what we did wrong as parents, we have the ability to make our best better!

Cool Off
If you are in the moment of frustration or even anger with your kiddo, take a time out. This seems super juvenile, I know, but the reality is that it takes at least 20 minutes for cortisol and adrenaline to diffuse out of the bloodstream. Take some time to have some deep breathing, reflection on your own emotions, empathic reflection on your kid’s emotions, and some attention being paid to how much you love and care about your kid. This can work wonders for soothing your nervous system and allowing you to return to the conversation on a more even keel.

Reconnect
This is a bid for emotional connection before you get back into the conversation about the conflict. Check-in to see how your kid is currently feeling. Check-in to see how they were feeling before the timeout. Validate those emotions. Even if you disagree with their story, the emotions they are experiencing are very real.

Own it
I think I was given the idea that once you are grown, you know how to do all things adult. At least, that’s what I thought about my parents when I was growing up. I don’t want to throw my dad under the bus too much here, but I don’t remember many, if any, conversations as a kid where my parents owned their mistakes. I’m sure it happened; it just wasn’t a feature of growing up. As an adult, we’ve worked through a lot of those unfortunate incidents. All that to say, it’s uncomfortable to own your mistakes. Especially with the small humans you helped create. And when they have more than likely done something worth at least some level of frustration. It doesn’t matter. There is no justification for me hitting my old defaults and raising my voice or coming off harsh in tone or facial expression.

Make Amends
Apologize for your actions. But only if you mean it, though. Sorries demand future action. Your apologies will wind up meaning nothing if you continue doing the same old thing every time a conflict arises. To personally be vulnerable, my default is to raise my voice when I don’t believe I am being heard. This might work in the trades or the Navy but is highly ineffective in intimate and parenting relationships. So, when I have made my repair attempt, I reassure my kids that I’m working on my past issues and actively working through the reasons I do what I do.

Direction
In the event that there is still a need to direct your kiddo, do so from a place of peace, safety, and connection. As stated above, I can get real loud real quick and mostly get all my boys to do whatever I direct them to do in short order. This might be ok in an emergency or crisis, but overall, getting my boys just to do what I say because I said it loudly doesn’t work. I want them to understand why I direct them to do the things that show maturity and appropriate behavior. They can only understand, or better yet, they have the most access to understanding, when all nervous systems are in safety rather than survival.

]]> Privacy, Secrecy, Transparency, and Authenticity: What does all this have to do with Good Faith? https://dwatherapy.com/privacy-secrecy-transparency-and-authenticity-what-does-all-this-have-to-do-with-good-faith/ Tue, 05 Nov 2024 15:00:46 +0000 http://dwatherapy.com/?p=2204 By Tim White

Disclaimer! I am writing this blog from the perspective that the partners in this scenario are working toward connecting, resolving, rebuilding trust, and healing/forgiving and that the person who has gone outside of the agreed boundaries in sex or communication* is genuinely showing up in good faith to work through the process. I am in no way proclaiming that a betrayed partner should stay in a relationship that is continuing to be deceitful, manipulative, coercive, or abusive.

Further, let’s address * the really long but kinder way to say betrayer, cheater, liar, or two-faced %@*&^%#$!!@#$! So, please allow me a digression before we start. While I can empathize with the pain of experiencing betrayal, labeling a partner with harsh and judgemental terms will diminish the potential for a positive outcome in the relationship. So, even if in the middle of the discovery of an affair and in the proceeding days you want to call the partner who went outside the boundaries a cad. My encouragement, try not to do or say anything that you may feel shameful about later. So for this blog, and potentially future clinical work, I’ll use the term unprincipled partner or UP to describe the partner who has gone outside the boundaries. Please see my blog titled 6 Principles of Sexual Health for further clarification.

So, without further delay, let’s get into it!

Specializing in couples overcoming infidelity, I frequently encounter ideas around honesty and privacy. If any of you have ever sat in session with me or read any of my other blogs, you know I’m a stickler for detail, nuance, and careful communication. Therefore, I think it is of near paramount importance to specifically define and understand what we are talking about when it comes to the above terms and why I choose carefully how I frame relational negotiations.

It is common for a partner who has experienced some sort of infidelity to become hypervigilant about the UP’s phone, email, social media, etc., and want to know everything about what he or she is doing. Even to the point of declaring the UP has forsaken any right to privacy because of what they have done.

Hold on, let’s back up a bit. Because I think it is imperative that we understand what we are asking of the UP when there is a declaration of no more privacy and complete transparency. Let’s start by taking a close look at what I believe these words to mean.

Privacy – Being able to experience thoughts and feelings and a cognitive process that my wife is unaware of. For instance, my journal is private. I leave it on the hearth next to my chair and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my wife has never read it. I know that I have never read hers. I’m sure there is stuff in there about me that I would rather not know about! I’m sure, as she grapples living with a red-neck Navy vet, she has had to process through some difficulties. Even going so far as to gripe about me. I know I have in mine. Gasp! The therapist has written things in his journal that he wouldn’t want his wife to read? Of course. Just like I’ve had intrusive thoughts at times that I want nobody to know. This stuff is private. That doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that I may need a place to process. I don’t gripe about her and leave it there, I work through it and land on the positive. But journaling and how to go about it is a whole other topic.

Secrets – I’m going to say that a secret is something that someone is intentionally withholding from another. I had a guy tell me in 2003 that the 1981 Dodge D150 I was looking at buying off of him, only had 3 things wrong with it. That dude was withholding information as there were many secrets I had to find out about that truck!

Transparency – It is frequent that a betrayed partner will demand complete transparency after the discovery of betrayal. He or she may want to track a partner or go through the UP’s email and phone, to make sure nothing is going on. It is an understandable reaction due to the pain and the safety that is being sought in the aftermath of discovery. However, this undoes the above right to privacy. I have had betrayed partners read through the UP’s journal or workbook, much to the detriment of progress in the relationship to say nothing of the betrayed partner’s own emotional well-being. So I avoid the idea of transparency for more effective concepts.

Honesty – I avoid this term as is easily convoluted by transparency and can be manipulated by an UP.

Authenticity – This is word is music to my ears. I love authenticity! Authenticity allows both partners access to the privacy necessary to process their own inner world and show up in the relationship with genuineness. Someone can be to the letter “honest” but still trying to hide something, maybe the right question wasn’t asked in just the right way. But a person who is showing up authentically is not trying to hide anything or manipulate a relationship by carefully withholding or disseminating information. Authenticity does not mislead.

Good-Faith – This is closely related to authenticity and is the representation of it. This is when individuals in a relationship are showing without trying to hide parts of themselves or their behavior from the other. This is when partners have each other’s best interests at heart and are fully aware that intentionally misleading and withholding is a recipe for extreme pain. This is throwing off the idea that if a partner knew everything they would leave. This is accepting that in order to lead healthy principled lives partners should know the essence or who they are in relationship with. Showing up in good-faith allows for effective consent and promotes safety.

So what? Everyone has access to a dictionary, why am I writing about this? Because I think it matters how we step through the process of recovering from unprincipled behavior in a relationship. I think the language we use and the nuances of communication can be some of the big factors in a positive outcome. I know this is a lot of information and I would love to help you through any of it you need. Please feel free to reach out to us at DWA!

806-780-0003 or timwhite@dwatherapy.com

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