Disclaimer! I am writing this blog from the perspective that the partners in this scenario are working toward connecting, resolving, rebuilding trust, and healing/forgiving and that the person who has gone outside of the agreed boundaries in sex or communication* is genuinely showing up in good faith to work through the process. I am in no way proclaiming that a betrayed partner should stay in a relationship that is continuing to be deceitful, manipulative, coercive, or abusive.

Further, let’s address * the really long but kinder way to say betrayer, cheater, liar, or two-faced %@*&^%#$!!@#$! So, please allow me a digression before we start. While I can empathize with the pain of experiencing betrayal, labeling a partner with harsh and judgemental terms will diminish the potential for a positive outcome in the relationship. So, even if in the middle of the discovery of an affair and in the proceeding days you want to call the partner who went outside the boundaries a cad. My encouragement, try not to do or say anything that you may feel shameful about later. So for this blog, and potentially future clinical work, I’ll use the term unprincipled partner or UP to describe the partner who has gone outside the boundaries. Please see my blog titled 6 Principles of Sexual Health for further clarification.

So, without further delay, let’s get into it!

Specializing in couples overcoming infidelity, I frequently encounter ideas around honesty and privacy. If any of you have ever sat in session with me or read any of my other blogs, you know I’m a stickler for detail, nuance, and careful communication. Therefore, I think it is of near paramount importance to specifically define and understand what we are talking about when it comes to the above terms and why I choose carefully how I frame relational negotiations.

It is common for a partner who has experienced some sort of infidelity to become hypervigilant about the UP’s phone, email, social media, etc., and want to know everything about what he or she is doing. Even to the point of declaring the UP has forsaken any right to privacy because of what they have done.

Hold on, let’s back up a bit. Because I think it is imperative that we understand what we are asking of the UP when there is a declaration of no more privacy and complete transparency. Let’s start by taking a close look at what I believe these words to mean.

Privacy – Being able to experience thoughts and feelings and a cognitive process that my wife is unaware of. For instance, my journal is private. I leave it on the hearth next to my chair and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my wife has never read it. I know that I have never read hers. I’m sure there is stuff in there about me that I would rather not know about! I’m sure, as she grapples living with a red-neck Navy vet, she has had to process through some difficulties. Even going so far as to gripe about me. I know I have in mine. Gasp! The therapist has written things in his journal that he wouldn’t want his wife to read? Of course. Just like I’ve had intrusive thoughts at times that I want nobody to know. This stuff is private. That doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that I may need a place to process. I don’t gripe about her and leave it there, I work through it and land on the positive. But journaling and how to go about it is a whole other topic.

Secrets – I’m going to say that a secret is something that someone is intentionally withholding from another. I had a guy tell me in 2003 that the 1981 Dodge D150 I was looking at buying off of him, only had 3 things wrong with it. That dude was withholding information as there were many secrets I had to find out about that truck!

Transparency – It is frequent that a betrayed partner will demand complete transparency after the discovery of betrayal. He or she may want to track a partner or go through the UP’s email and phone, to make sure nothing is going on. It is an understandable reaction due to the pain and the safety that is being sought in the aftermath of discovery. However, this undoes the above right to privacy. I have had betrayed partners read through the UP’s journal or workbook, much to the detriment of progress in the relationship to say nothing of the betrayed partner’s own emotional well-being. So I avoid the idea of transparency for more effective concepts.

Honesty – I avoid this term as is easily convoluted by transparency and can be manipulated by an UP.

Authenticity – This is word is music to my ears. I love authenticity! Authenticity allows both partners access to the privacy necessary to process their own inner world and show up in the relationship with genuineness. Someone can be to the letter “honest” but still trying to hide something, maybe the right question wasn’t asked in just the right way. But a person who is showing up authentically is not trying to hide anything or manipulate a relationship by carefully withholding or disseminating information. Authenticity does not mislead.

Good-Faith – This is closely related to authenticity and is the representation of it. This is when individuals in a relationship are showing without trying to hide parts of themselves or their behavior from the other. This is when partners have each other’s best interests at heart and are fully aware that intentionally misleading and withholding is a recipe for extreme pain. This is throwing off the idea that if a partner knew everything they would leave. This is accepting that in order to lead healthy principled lives partners should know the essence or who they are in relationship with. Showing up in good-faith allows for effective consent and promotes safety.

So what? Everyone has access to a dictionary, why am I writing about this? Because I think it matters how we step through the process of recovering from unprincipled behavior in a relationship. I think the language we use and the nuances of communication can be some of the big factors in a positive outcome. I know this is a lot of information and I would love to help you through any of it you need. Please feel free to reach out to us at DWA!

806-780-0003 or timwhite@dwatherapy.com

As therapists, we carry a lot of things with us in our hearts, minds, and souls. We need a place to get those things out. When in school or newly licensed we have a supervisor that allows us to express ourselves in a safe place. We are constantly talked to about self-care and what our plan is, but what happens when we are finished with school and supervision and on our own in private practice and our self-care falls by the wayside?

This is when therapists need to turn to other therapists for help. For some this may sound like something that is hard, to admit that they need help when they are the helpers themselves. This is normal for people in the helping system. We do not want to admit that we are not taking care of ourselves like we said we would or like we know we should. You encourage your clients all day long to seek help or congratulate them on the hardest step (reaching out for help). So let this be your encouragement:

Hey, thank you for reaching out and making that hard set out. You are going to make it through this tough situation. I am honored that you have chosen to read this far. I would be honored to help you on your path of processing and healing yourself so that you can continue to be that helper for others.

If you as a therapist are looking for someone to work with individually or if you would rather join our Therapy for the Therapist group give us a call at (806)-780-0003 or email me personally at adriennerains@dwatherapy.com

Preface

I have found the concept of sexual health principles (Braun-Harvey & Vigoritio, 2015) fascinating and helpful in practice over the last few months. As many of my clients know, I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.  As many of my clients know, I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. This certification has given me the insight and ability to help many clients struggling with their sexual behavior. While I am grateful for this training, I have resolved to go further than just helping people with problematic sexual behavior and operate in the realm of more generalized sexual health. This has led me to seek out training as a Certified Sex Therapist through the Sexual Health Alliance and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. To address the debate between sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexuality or out-of-control sexual behavior, I have coined the term unprincipled sexual behavior as it captures the essence of the above terms.

Main Point
All that to say, I have done some reading on the 6 principles of sexual health over the last several months and have found this to be of great help in working with clients who struggle with problematic behavior and clients who are interested in developing their own sense of sexual health. The 6 principles are consent, safety, non-exploitive, honesty, shared values, and pleasure. While there is certainly room to unpack each point more thoroughly, I would like to briefly attend to each of these with you in this blog.

Consent – Consent is more than just a verbal yes. Consent should be a voluntarily given agreement that is free from outside influence. I encourage partners to be careful and aware of a non-consensual yes. That is to say verbal consent to sexual contact that is given out of a desire to avoid some perceived consequence or out of obligation.

Safety – The World Health Organization prioritizes safety from STI and unwanted pregnancy. I will take this a step further and include emotional safety, great sex happens in the context of emotional safety and I think that a sense of safety is more than a simple lack of danger.

Non-exploitive – This goes back to consent. If manipulation or exploitation are a part of the sexual negotiations then it cannot be considered freely given consent and thus is not going to result in a healthy sexual encounter. Sex should be something that is engaged in without the threat of consequence or leveraged in any way.

Honesty – I prefer the term authenticity but that is more personal nuance. This plays a role in consent and safety. Authentic consent cannot be given and safety cannot be had if honesty is not a part of the sexual conversation. This also strikes to the heart of manipulation. Overtly lying or covertly withholding information that is relevant to a sexual partner is exploiting the situation.

Shared Values – Sexual partners should be able to have conversation about their sexual values and work towards operating inside of those shared values. I heard one of my mentors say that we have sex up to the point that we are developmentally able. It would be inappropriate for a more sexually advanced partner to force or expect a lights-off-missionary-only partner to go further afield than they were comfortable. Open communication is key.

Pleasure – Sex is supposed to be fun! Our historical culture often downplays the importance of pleasure for one partner and prioritizes pleasure for another. This is not a sustainable or healthy way to view sex. Pleasure should be mutual and a valued goal.

I want to encourage all my clients and readers to be mindful of these principles and strive to move into the realm of Principled Sex!

Feel free to email me with any questions or comments. timwhite@dwatherapy.com

Braun-Harvey, D., & Vigorito, M. A. (2015). Treating out of control sexual behavior: Rethinking sex addiction. Springer Publishing Company.

I’m going to say what we are all thinking, motherhood is hard. You go into motherhood thinking about all of the sweet things that a baby will bring into your life. Like love, joy, cute outfits, setting up the nursery just so, etc. But once your little one is in your arms you learn about the sleepless nights, the crying, the spit up (or in some cases projectile vomit), the poop, being peed on, but mostly you learn that you as the mother can lose yourself, lose who you were pre-motherhood, lose the person you thought you were before you became a mother.

You are not alone! Most mothers go through this loss and it is a hard loss. You are forced to take time away from work (this becomes a bad thing if you love what you do), and you cannot just walk out of the door to go do something with just a purse you now have to think about all of the things you might need in case the baby messes themselves while you are out, you find that sometimes it is just not worth it to leave. Motherhood takes so much from you.

Motherhood changes you, no matter how you became a mother (pregnancy, adoption, surrogacy, fostering, etc) you are forever changed because this tiny human now depends on you for their every need. But who takes care of the mother? Who takes care of you?

As mothers, as hard as it can be we have to find a way to find time for us. This does not include showering, showering is a necessity not a self care skill; unless that shower is a good 30 minutes to an hour long and you are able to just stand there then it counts. So what are self care skills for new mothers that do not take a lot of effort or mental capacity?

Let’s start with hydrating and eating enough. If you are a breastfeeding mother, you need this nutrition to be able to feed your baby; the more you drink and eat the more milk you will make for your baby. If you are not breastfeeding, you need this nutrition to keep you going to make those bottles, being able to measure out the right amount of ounces in water and formula in the middle of the night is hard. If your child is older you need the nutrition to keep up with that child, they are fast and slippery especially when tired. So mama take a drink, eat a bite, and thank yourself for doing so. 

Next try brain dumping. Taking 5 to 10 minutes to get all of those feelings out either onto paper or into the note section of your phone or in any of the journaling apps that are out there. Doing this will release all of those feelings you are feeling and help you be able to be as present as a sleep deprived person can be.

You don’t have to navigate the challenges of motherhood alone. Call us today to discover how we can support you on this incredible journey.

When we think of progress, what comes to mind?  I think of steady advancement toward a goal.  Whether that goal is a mental health accomplishment, a wood working project, a vehicle restoration, a scrap book, or recovery, progress is an incremental move toward a goal.

Perfection is what?  I think it is an ideal, it is something that we hold in our mind as a pure representation of what we would like to happen or be.  I think it is a fantasy.  It is something that juveniles pine for as they glory over star athletes and think about how life will be in the future.  Perfection is something that I have come to realize is far removed from my abilities, and the abilities of clients for that matter.

I get to talk to people all the time who are struggling to navigate the waters of life.  They experience setbacks and failures daily.  It is a fact of life.  Not only are setbacks going to be a feature of almost any endeavor, I believe that we can achieve progress in the face of failures.  It is through setback, failure, and struggle that we learn the most.  Perseverance and endurance are essential skills for life, and they are not acquired languidly dreaming about the perfect execution of task.  They are acquired in the struggle.  They are acquired in recognition that we have the ability to overcome.  Yet, we do not overcome when there is nothing to overcome from.

My encouragement is to look for the places in life that you can recognize your progress rather than berate yourself for lack of perfection.  If there is something in life that you would like help in overcoming, please reach out to us.

Receive help from experienced counselors & therapists in Lubbock, TX at Dr. White and Associates.

Your sense of self.

What is it?  Who is it? How do you know?  What is it based on? Is it simply a list of all the roles and attributes that you have?

If that is the case then I am a husband, driver, father, sighted-person, son, homed person, brother, right-handed person, friend, smeller of delicious scents, veteran, and therapist.  

Some of these may seem silly, but consider the loss of one or more of these roles or attributes.  Anosmia is the loss of the sense of smell, the only reason I remember this is because of a Scrubs episode where a fella loses his sense of smell and makes a harsh comment to a doctor about being able to smell his grandson’s head.  While this is certainly a pop-culture example and reference, imagine how serious it would be to lose even one of these roles or attributes.

I remember when I got out of the Navy.  I was someone with responsibility (maintaining six, $30 million hovercrafts) and some authority (foreman for maintenance crew of about 10) and respect (my leaders recognized my expertise and my crew did an outstanding job for me).  This was quite a role. I enjoyed it. Then I got out and the role was no longer there. The thing that I had wrapped a lot of my identity in for six years was now gone. I overcame, but not before a bit of time just kinda floating and not really knowing what I wanted to do.

I know of others who have experienced losses like this before and now I get to help some of them through it.  Our sense of self and identity does not need to be wrapped up solely in the roles and attributes that we maintain.  Our sense of self is not something that is discovered and therefore concrete. Rather, it is developed over time and ebbs and flows.

People come and go in our lives, even loved ones.  Roles come and go in our life, even important ones.  If our sense of self is too tightly wrapped up in the people around us and the roles which we fulfill, then we are in for an identity crisis when things begin to shift.  

I think it is valuable to spend some time with yourself and identify some core things that may be true for you.  It helps if you do this in a time of peace and calm so that when the storm starts you have something inside yourself that is strong and resilient.  For me, this means meditating on the fact that I am a wonderfully made person who is worthy of love and connection. All the above roles could fall apart, and I would still be that.  If the roles in your life began to fall apart, what would you have to hold to? I would like to encourage you to take some time for yourself and develop a sense of who you are outside of your roles and responsibilities.  

For experienced counseling and therapy in Lubbock, please contact us here at Dr. White and Associates for assistance and to schedule an appointment.

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you just can’t give any more? Your tank is running on empty, and it’s only Thursday. You tell yourself that you only have to make it two more days until the weekend. Then your boss informs you that you’re going to have to come in on Saturday to finish up a project. Then daycare calls and tells you your child is throwing up and has a fever. Then your spouse informs you that they forgot to mention that their parents are coming over for dinner on Sunday. Suddenly, the weekend you’ve been struggling towards doesn’t seem like the break you needed. It’s at this point you have two options: snap at your spouse or boss, or you can take some time out of your very busy schedule to implement some self-care.

What is self-care and why is it important? When most people think of self-care, they think it means taking bubble baths and eating all of the chocolate you want.

It certainly can be those things, but it can also look like setting a boundary with a toxic family member or saying no to something that takes away from time for you and your family. It can mean taking a lunch break instead of powering through to get one more thing accomplished at work. It can look like taking up that hobby you have always wanted to do. What self-care means for you will probably be very different than what it looks like for your friends.

When talking about self-care, the topic of time comes up. When you already feel overwhelmed, it’s hard to imagine finding any extra time for yourself. Time is something people value and it often doesn’t feel like there is ever enough of it. Participating in self-care can take as little as 5 minutes, or it can be as long as you like. Cost is another barrier that comes up when considering the best self-care option. If price is a concern, try to choose something to do that you enjoy and that is free, or you can find an activity that stays within your budget. Take caution though. Going into debt to take on self-care will only cause more stress in the long run.

“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. [It] is an act of survival.”

— Andre Lorde

Self-care is designed to help you recharge and fill your tank back up. It’s making yourself and what’s important to you a priority. Most of us take care of other people in some way whether it be children, being a good friend to someone, being a caring spouse, etc. and to do that well be must first take care of ourselves so we have something to give.

Some other ideas of self-care are:

• Going for a walk
• Reading a book for enjoyment — check out https://www.goodreads.com/ for some ideas
• Going to get coffee with a friend
• Joining a gym — if you have kids, try to find one that offers child care
• Gardening
• Reading a magazine
• Writing a note to a friend or journaling
• Getting a massage — for more affordable options, see if there are any massage schools in your city.
• Wearing clothes you feel comfortable in
• Spending time with someone you care about
• Spending time alone
• Listening to music
• Eating your favorite food
• Practicing meditation and deep breathing

Self-care can also look like seeing a therapist when things in your life get out of balance. Having someone to talk to who won’t judge you can be just the self-care you need. So decide that you are important enough to invest in and go do some self-care today!