As therapists, we carry a lot of things with us in our hearts, minds, and souls. We need a place to get those things out. When in school or newly licensed we have a supervisor that allows us to express ourselves in a safe place. We are constantly talked to about self-care and what our plan is, but what happens when we are finished with school and supervision and on our own in private practice and our self-care falls by the wayside?

This is when therapists need to turn to other therapists for help. For some this may sound like something that is hard, to admit that they need help when they are the helpers themselves. This is normal for people in the helping system. We do not want to admit that we are not taking care of ourselves like we said we would or like we know we should. You encourage your clients all day long to seek help or congratulate them on the hardest step (reaching out for help). So let this be your encouragement:

Hey, thank you for reaching out and making that hard set out. You are going to make it through this tough situation. I am honored that you have chosen to read this far. I would be honored to help you on your path of processing and healing yourself so that you can continue to be that helper for others.

If you as a therapist are looking for someone to work with individually or if you would rather join our Therapy for the Therapist group give us a call at (806)-780-0003 or email me personally at adriennerains@dwatherapy.com

Preface

I have found the concept of sexual health principles (Braun-Harvey & Vigoritio, 2015) fascinating and helpful in practice over the last few months. As many of my clients know, I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.  As many of my clients know, I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. This certification has given me the insight and ability to help many clients struggling with their sexual behavior. While I am grateful for this training, I have resolved to go further than just helping people with problematic sexual behavior and operate in the realm of more generalized sexual health. This has led me to seek out training as a Certified Sex Therapist through the Sexual Health Alliance and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. To address the debate between sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexuality or out-of-control sexual behavior, I have coined the term unprincipled sexual behavior as it captures the essence of the above terms.

Main Point
All that to say, I have done some reading on the 6 principles of sexual health over the last several months and have found this to be of great help in working with clients who struggle with problematic behavior and clients who are interested in developing their own sense of sexual health. The 6 principles are consent, safety, non-exploitive, honesty, shared values, and pleasure. While there is certainly room to unpack each point more thoroughly, I would like to briefly attend to each of these with you in this blog.

Consent – Consent is more than just a verbal yes. Consent should be a voluntarily given agreement that is free from outside influence. I encourage partners to be careful and aware of a non-consensual yes. That is to say verbal consent to sexual contact that is given out of a desire to avoid some perceived consequence or out of obligation.

Safety – The World Health Organization prioritizes safety from STI and unwanted pregnancy. I will take this a step further and include emotional safety, great sex happens in the context of emotional safety and I think that a sense of safety is more than a simple lack of danger.

Non-exploitive – This goes back to consent. If manipulation or exploitation are a part of the sexual negotiations then it cannot be considered freely given consent and thus is not going to result in a healthy sexual encounter. Sex should be something that is engaged in without the threat of consequence or leveraged in any way.

Honesty – I prefer the term authenticity but that is more personal nuance. This plays a role in consent and safety. Authentic consent cannot be given and safety cannot be had if honesty is not a part of the sexual conversation. This also strikes to the heart of manipulation. Overtly lying or covertly withholding information that is relevant to a sexual partner is exploiting the situation.

Shared Values – Sexual partners should be able to have conversation about their sexual values and work towards operating inside of those shared values. I heard one of my mentors say that we have sex up to the point that we are developmentally able. It would be inappropriate for a more sexually advanced partner to force or expect a lights-off-missionary-only partner to go further afield than they were comfortable. Open communication is key.

Pleasure – Sex is supposed to be fun! Our historical culture often downplays the importance of pleasure for one partner and prioritizes pleasure for another. This is not a sustainable or healthy way to view sex. Pleasure should be mutual and a valued goal.

I want to encourage all my clients and readers to be mindful of these principles and strive to move into the realm of Principled Sex!

Feel free to email me with any questions or comments. timwhite@dwatherapy.com

Braun-Harvey, D., & Vigorito, M. A. (2015). Treating out of control sexual behavior: Rethinking sex addiction. Springer Publishing Company.

When we think of progress, what comes to mind?  I think of steady advancement toward a goal.  Whether that goal is a mental health accomplishment, a wood working project, a vehicle restoration, a scrap book, or recovery, progress is an incremental move toward a goal.

Perfection is what?  I think it is an ideal, it is something that we hold in our mind as a pure representation of what we would like to happen or be.  I think it is a fantasy.  It is something that juveniles pine for as they glory over star athletes and think about how life will be in the future.  Perfection is something that I have come to realize is far removed from my abilities, and the abilities of clients for that matter.

I get to talk to people all the time who are struggling to navigate the waters of life.  They experience setbacks and failures daily.  It is a fact of life.  Not only are setbacks going to be a feature of almost any endeavor, I believe that we can achieve progress in the face of failures.  It is through setback, failure, and struggle that we learn the most.  Perseverance and endurance are essential skills for life, and they are not acquired languidly dreaming about the perfect execution of task.  They are acquired in the struggle.  They are acquired in recognition that we have the ability to overcome.  Yet, we do not overcome when there is nothing to overcome from.

My encouragement is to look for the places in life that you can recognize your progress rather than berate yourself for lack of perfection.  If there is something in life that you would like help in overcoming, please reach out to us.

Receive help from experienced counselors & therapists in Lubbock, TX at Dr. White and Associates.

Your sense of self.

What is it?  Who is it? How do you know?  What is it based on? Is it simply a list of all the roles and attributes that you have?

If that is the case then I am a husband, driver, father, sighted-person, son, homed person, brother, right-handed person, friend, smeller of delicious scents, veteran, and therapist.  

Some of these may seem silly, but consider the loss of one or more of these roles or attributes.  Anosmia is the loss of the sense of smell, the only reason I remember this is because of a Scrubs episode where a fella loses his sense of smell and makes a harsh comment to a doctor about being able to smell his grandson’s head.  While this is certainly a pop-culture example and reference, imagine how serious it would be to lose even one of these roles or attributes.

I remember when I got out of the Navy.  I was someone with responsibility (maintaining six, $30 million hovercrafts) and some authority (foreman for maintenance crew of about 10) and respect (my leaders recognized my expertise and my crew did an outstanding job for me).  This was quite a role. I enjoyed it. Then I got out and the role was no longer there. The thing that I had wrapped a lot of my identity in for six years was now gone. I overcame, but not before a bit of time just kinda floating and not really knowing what I wanted to do.

I know of others who have experienced losses like this before and now I get to help some of them through it.  Our sense of self and identity does not need to be wrapped up solely in the roles and attributes that we maintain.  Our sense of self is not something that is discovered and therefore concrete. Rather, it is developed over time and ebbs and flows.

People come and go in our lives, even loved ones.  Roles come and go in our life, even important ones.  If our sense of self is too tightly wrapped up in the people around us and the roles which we fulfill, then we are in for an identity crisis when things begin to shift.  

I think it is valuable to spend some time with yourself and identify some core things that may be true for you.  It helps if you do this in a time of peace and calm so that when the storm starts you have something inside yourself that is strong and resilient.  For me, this means meditating on the fact that I am a wonderfully made person who is worthy of love and connection. All the above roles could fall apart, and I would still be that.  If the roles in your life began to fall apart, what would you have to hold to? I would like to encourage you to take some time for yourself and develop a sense of who you are outside of your roles and responsibilities.  

For experienced counseling and therapy in Lubbock, please contact us here at Dr. White and Associates for assistance and to schedule an appointment.

So many life principles from the Bible apply to mental health. In Romans 12:2, Paul gives us just such a great life principle; becoming transformed by renewing the mind. In context, Paul had just addressed some ineffective patterns of worldly living. Then he states to not conform any longer to the old patterns, but instead to become transformed by renewing our minds. From a mental health perspective, I want to put some practical action on how to accomplish this. If I have an old, ineffective pattern of thinking due to my experience of life, but the truth of God’s design for life is different, then I need to recognize the discrepancy, correct my thinking with the truth of God’s design, and renew my mind to that truth.

If my experience of the world, relationships, and the advertising industry have told me that I am not good enough due to some attribute of body image, then I will likely have an internal dialog in my mind that focuses on not being good enough, which will result in me feeling inadequate. However, if I will evaluate, reason, and determine the truth that directly addresses the old, ineffective pattern of thinking, and then renew my mind to that truth, my mind can then become transformed to a new internal dialog or pattern of thought. In this example of negative body image thinking, instead of feeling inadequate, I can feel adequate and empowered based on thinking the truth that I am, in fact, good enough.

Applying this to mental health, renewing the mind isn’t just casually thinking the truth occasionally. It is thoughtfully developing a list of truth statements that directly oppose false/ineffective thinking. Then taking my list in quiet, meditative moments, then reviewing and contemplating these truths about myself repeatedly. I recommend renewing our minds first thing in the morning, about noon, end of the work day, and before bed for several weeks.

We must hear/review the truth more often than the frequency of the world telling us the lies!

Part of our American heritage is the faith perspectives of our founding fathers.  While I am not a historian, it is my understanding that many of our founding fathers were faithful believers in Jesus Christ who endeavored to live by biblical principles.  Considering their faith, we might also consider that they too would voice their declaration of dependence. 

Peter told us that we had been given all that we need for life and godliness (2 Pet. 1:3).  What I have been given for life, abundant life (Jn. 10:10), and godliness is the abiding life of Christ (Jn. 15:4).  The abiding life of Christ: is my basis of trust that can prevent a troubled heart (Jn. 14:1), is my internal pattern for living (Jn. 14:6), is His spiritual presence who reminds me and teaches me (Jn. 14:26), is the author of my fruitfulness (Jn. 15:5), is the originator of the completeness of my joy (Jn. 15:11; 16:22, 24), is my guidance into truth (Jn. 16:13), is my peace in the midst of a troubled world (Jn. 16:33), is my internal abiding equipper for overcoming (Jn.16:33).  Today, on the eve of celebrating our national Declaration of Independence, I declare my declaration of dependence.  Won’t you join me today in making your declaration of dependence, a dependence upon Jesus Christ?  And further, won’t you join me in praying as Jesus did that we may be one (Jn. 17:21); one in unity, and one in our beliefs upon him as the abiding presence that is the basis of our declaration of dependence?