Disclaimer! I am writing this blog from the perspective that the partners in this scenario are working toward connecting, resolving, rebuilding trust, and healing/forgiving and that the person who has gone outside of the agreed boundaries in sex or communication* is genuinely showing up in good faith to work through the process. I am in no way proclaiming that a betrayed partner should stay in a relationship that is continuing to be deceitful, manipulative, coercive, or abusive.

Further, let’s address * the really long but kinder way to say betrayer, cheater, liar, or two-faced %@*&^%#$!!@#$! So, please allow me a digression before we start. While I can empathize with the pain of experiencing betrayal, labeling a partner with harsh and judgemental terms will diminish the potential for a positive outcome in the relationship. So, even if in the middle of the discovery of an affair and in the proceeding days you want to call the partner who went outside the boundaries a cad. My encouragement, try not to do or say anything that you may feel shameful about later. So for this blog, and potentially future clinical work, I’ll use the term unprincipled partner or UP to describe the partner who has gone outside the boundaries. Please see my blog titled 6 Principles of Sexual Health for further clarification.

So, without further delay, let’s get into it!

Specializing in couples overcoming infidelity, I frequently encounter ideas around honesty and privacy. If any of you have ever sat in session with me or read any of my other blogs, you know I’m a stickler for detail, nuance, and careful communication. Therefore, I think it is of near paramount importance to specifically define and understand what we are talking about when it comes to the above terms and why I choose carefully how I frame relational negotiations.

It is common for a partner who has experienced some sort of infidelity to become hypervigilant about the UP’s phone, email, social media, etc., and want to know everything about what he or she is doing. Even to the point of declaring the UP has forsaken any right to privacy because of what they have done.

Hold on, let’s back up a bit. Because I think it is imperative that we understand what we are asking of the UP when there is a declaration of no more privacy and complete transparency. Let’s start by taking a close look at what I believe these words to mean.

Privacy – Being able to experience thoughts and feelings and a cognitive process that my wife is unaware of. For instance, my journal is private. I leave it on the hearth next to my chair and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my wife has never read it. I know that I have never read hers. I’m sure there is stuff in there about me that I would rather not know about! I’m sure, as she grapples living with a red-neck Navy vet, she has had to process through some difficulties. Even going so far as to gripe about me. I know I have in mine. Gasp! The therapist has written things in his journal that he wouldn’t want his wife to read? Of course. Just like I’ve had intrusive thoughts at times that I want nobody to know. This stuff is private. That doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that I may need a place to process. I don’t gripe about her and leave it there, I work through it and land on the positive. But journaling and how to go about it is a whole other topic.

Secrets – I’m going to say that a secret is something that someone is intentionally withholding from another. I had a guy tell me in 2003 that the 1981 Dodge D150 I was looking at buying off of him, only had 3 things wrong with it. That dude was withholding information as there were many secrets I had to find out about that truck!

Transparency – It is frequent that a betrayed partner will demand complete transparency after the discovery of betrayal. He or she may want to track a partner or go through the UP’s email and phone, to make sure nothing is going on. It is an understandable reaction due to the pain and the safety that is being sought in the aftermath of discovery. However, this undoes the above right to privacy. I have had betrayed partners read through the UP’s journal or workbook, much to the detriment of progress in the relationship to say nothing of the betrayed partner’s own emotional well-being. So I avoid the idea of transparency for more effective concepts.

Honesty – I avoid this term as is easily convoluted by transparency and can be manipulated by an UP.

Authenticity – This is word is music to my ears. I love authenticity! Authenticity allows both partners access to the privacy necessary to process their own inner world and show up in the relationship with genuineness. Someone can be to the letter “honest” but still trying to hide something, maybe the right question wasn’t asked in just the right way. But a person who is showing up authentically is not trying to hide anything or manipulate a relationship by carefully withholding or disseminating information. Authenticity does not mislead.

Good-Faith – This is closely related to authenticity and is the representation of it. This is when individuals in a relationship are showing without trying to hide parts of themselves or their behavior from the other. This is when partners have each other’s best interests at heart and are fully aware that intentionally misleading and withholding is a recipe for extreme pain. This is throwing off the idea that if a partner knew everything they would leave. This is accepting that in order to lead healthy principled lives partners should know the essence or who they are in relationship with. Showing up in good-faith allows for effective consent and promotes safety.

So what? Everyone has access to a dictionary, why am I writing about this? Because I think it matters how we step through the process of recovering from unprincipled behavior in a relationship. I think the language we use and the nuances of communication can be some of the big factors in a positive outcome. I know this is a lot of information and I would love to help you through any of it you need. Please feel free to reach out to us at DWA!

806-780-0003 or timwhite@dwatherapy.com

I think we need to recognize that even though by God’s design we have been given what we need to meet life, we have also been given life experience in this culture.  We learn about ourselves, others, God and the world through our life experience, and some of what we learn does not fit with God’s design.  Some of what we learn is lies, and skewed or false thinking.  What we believe about God and his design, how we see ourselves, and what we think alters the neurological structure of our brain.  

Part of what we have been equipped with is the ability to hear truth that differs from our life experience, reason through it, discriminate its truth, apply it, and then through a process, build our belief in it.  It is the truth that can set us free from the emotional experience of feeling ill-equipped.  The process is transformation by renewing our mind.

Stay tuned for my next blog on Becoming Transformed by Renewing the Mind!

Over the last month and a half I have brought several points to readers concerning God’s design for marriage.  I will briefly provide you with a recap.  In Pt. 1, from Matthew 22:36-40, I pointed to loving God, loving spouse, and loving self (with emphasis on healthy self-love) as essential to marriage that is not hard.  In Pt. 2, from Proverbs 5:18-19, we see that healthy marriage relationships are born out of rejoicing in our spouse.  That post went a little long and I had to cut it short and thus write a part 3.  So, this post will return to Proverbs 5:18-19 to discuss satisfaction and captivation, all the while relying on the concept of rejoicing for support.  Proverbs 5:18-19, from the New English Translation says:

May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in your young wife —
a loving doe, a graceful deer;
may her breasts satisfy you at all times,
may you be captivated by her love always.

Verse 19 begins with the poetic description of a spouse who is loving and graceful.  If the reader desires to go and read the verses preceding 19, we see a picture of seductive women outside of marriage being, well, seductive.  Their words drip with honey and they are smoother than olive oil (5:3)…but that’s not where the teacher stops.  Those seductive avenues, who appear on the surface to be so fine, maybe even in the weakness of a moment finer than the spouse at home, are in the end bitter, sharp, and lead to destruction.  These points of advice are important and I think they build on each other.  The blessing, the rejoicing, and the spouse being loving and graceful are all connected.  These points are also connected to satisfaction and captivation. 

What does it mean to be satisfied?  What does it mean to be captivated?  The most basic definition of satisfaction is one who is fulfilled in their desires.  Being satisfied (emphasis placed on sexual satisfaction) in a marriage relationship is something that can be easily stolen away in our culture.  In the blog posted last week by dad, he discussed connection and how that connection can be subverted.  I don’t think that many of us would argue that the world is filled with oversexualized images.  Advertising, popular TV shows, movies, magazines, the internet; many of these avenues are highly sexualized, pornified, or actual pornography.  Besides visual stimulation, there are also many emotional avenues that can seduce a spouse away from the oneness relationship.

This is an oversimplification due to the nature of a Blog, but when a spouse slips from rejoicing and seeing the other as appealing (taken from loving and graceful), then satisfaction is made vulnerable.  If the spouse then seeks satisfaction outside the relationship, there is extreme vulnerability to the mutual captivation that should be a part of a healthy oneness relationship. 

When spouses experience a rough spot in the marriage and the flow of blessing, rejoicing, appeal, satisfaction, and captivation is interrupted and the spouse begins to seek, explore, or find satisfaction elsewhere, then ‘marriage is hard’ becomes a reality.  The teacher is clear in the Proverbs; if the desire is a healthy oneness relationship, that is not a grueling process of warily giving on some things and greedily taking what is perceived to be rightful, then we must insert our relationship into the flow of these principles.

I will state again that this is a great oversimplification of the relationship that is not overly hard.  I have personally spent hours poring over the damning effects of pornography and emotional affairs, and yet it is barely mentioned here.  Simply put, rejoice in each other, be satisfied exclusively by each other, and enter into the wonder of mutual captivation.

The Hebrew verb being translated as captivated here has several other potential options; enraptured, intoxicated, exhilarated, ravished, lost in love, and delighted.  These verbs are then accompanied by adverbs like; constantly, always, continually, and forever.  Our eyes should swell and our hearts swoon when we realize that infatuation and honeymooners syndrome does not have to be permanently extinguished as a relationship matures.  So I will again echo the words of the teacher, rejoice in each other, be satisfied in each other, and be captivated by each other!  This should lead to a oneness relationship that is a far cry from the difficult marriage relationships touted by our culture today.

Contact Dr. White and Associates, P.C. for Lubbock marriage counseling.

Two weeks ago I posted the first three principles of how to rely on God’s design for marriage and how that design allows access to marriage that is not oh-so-difficult.  Those principles are based on Jesus’ guidance for us to love God, ourselves, and our spouses in a trinity of self-supporting and mutually beneficial relationships.  If you haven’t read it yet I encourage to take a few minutes to do so.

This week I will be coming to you from Proverbs 5:18 & 19.  It is here that husbands are encouraged to behave towards their wives in a particular way.  The New English Translation (NET) puts it this way:

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in your young wife – a loving doe, a graceful deer; may her breasts satisfy you at all times, may you be captivated by her love always.

It is important to note that these are not commands, rather they are God’s design parameters for a oneness relationship.  This isn’t about following rules to the T so that you can get to heaven or following the rules so that you can have the perfect marriage.  This design is about relationship; authentic, durable, and wonderful relationship with a spouse.  When these guidelines flow out of Matthew 22:36-40, they offer a wonderful way to attend to your spouse’s heart.

The first of the three principles is rejoicing.  The NET uses the words “young wife” or for our purposes we could read “young spouse.”  Well, I don’t know about you, but 15 years into my marriage I’m not a “young” spouse anymore!  I would wager that my dad, having been married for 40 years this September would say the same thing about himself (note the wise use of masculine pronouns in reference to age and youth gentlemen).  With that in mind, I would like to look toward the New International Version which reads “may you rejoice in the wife (read spouse) of your youth.”  This wording lands with a larger audience, and takes nothing away from the original meaning or intent.

I would like to proceed to the main point, rejoicing in our spouses.  This idea was introduced to me several months ago by dad (Dr. White) and it was a little bit of an odd conversation.  I say odd because the whole concept of sitting around and thinking of the aspects of our spouses that are good is, well, different.  On the flip side it is super easy to be angry about something and launch off into an internal monologue that is critical and contemptive.  We are human and we at times tend toward a more selfish and self-centered course of action.  This may be where the notion of marriage being difficult comes from because God’s prescription is opposite of a selfish response.  Rejoicing in the one that you fell in love with all those years ago, over time and with practice, builds ease and strength into a marriage.  However, that internal negative discourse that tends toward contempt and criticism, builds division and leads to divorce.  John Gottman identifies 4 negative behaviors that predict divorce; contempt and criticism are two of them.  I want to encourage you all to fill your mind with the aspects of your spouse that are wonderful.  For example, Stephanie (my wife) is a wonderful partner in this adventure of life.  She is a caring and kind mother to our three children, she is passionate about women’s health and childbirth, she is smart, she is witty and funny, she is an excellent cook, she is fun to be around, and for whatever reason she chose me.  Now, we both know that the above is not the full description, and you know that your spouse has both positive and negative qualities.  Despite that, we should fill our minds with the good things about our spouse, rejoicing in them and in their presence in our lives.  The truth is, wherever we allow our minds to go, whatever we choose to dwell on, those are the thoughts that will prevail.  If we choose to allow our minds to jog down the path of contempt, that path will become well-worn, well known, and…easy.  However, if you choose to honor your spouse by refusing to be overly critical and contemptive in the least, and you choose to build in your mind a well-worn path of praise, then the act of rejoicing in the spouse of your youth will become the easy action.

I encourage you to rejoice more often in your spouse and overcome contempt and criticism.

This turned out to be far longer than I intended.  I will get to the other two points next week.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.  Like and share on Facebook and Twitter.

Contact Dr. White and Associates, P.C. for marriage counseling in Lubbock.

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend and we began talking about marriage.  I stated I didn’t think marriage has to be as hard as our culture, even our churches make it out to be.  His eyes narrowed, he tilted his head, “REALLY!  You think marriage doesn’t have to be that hard?”

Why wouldn’t my friend think that way?  We hear it all the time.  All the clichés; “it’s a 50/50 deal, no it isn’t you gotta give 100%, there’s no way, if you’re not in it 110% the wheels are gonna fall off.”  Even in church we hear preachers tell us how difficult marriage is these days.  It is an understandably easy conclusion to draw with the common, and highly debatable, stats proclaiming the divorce rate to be around 50%.  All of that aside, the fact remains that marriage can be tough.  My wife and I have met with hard times, even had bitter words with each other, but the other fact is that it doesn’t have to be that way, choice factors into the equation.  Dr. White (dad) has some thoughts on the matter and I would like to share 7 principles behind God’s design for healthy marriage.

We’ll start in Matthew 22:36-40 for our first 3 points.  You may think this an odd spot to start, Jesus being interrogated by a lawyer, but Jesus’ answer to a spiteful question is beautiful.  Jesus tells the group of religious-lawyers that the greatest command is to love GOD first, then your NEIGHBOR, but as YOURSELF.  So we have; loving GOD as number one, and for reasons I’ll get to in a bit, SELF as second, and then NEIGHBOR (read SPOUSE) as third.

The first part thoroughly grounds this in Christianity.  Being committed to the teachings of Jesus and a lover of God’s ways is a great place to start.  Jesus says so much about love, justice, forgiveness, grace, peace, and a multitude of other good things that we could all apply more of in our lives and marriages.  While this is an important point, I don’t have any Christian friends who are going to argue this point with me and loving God is not the main point to this blog, so I’ll cut love of GOD short.  One more caveat, I understand that many married couples are not Christian, and while it is in our opinion optimal to fully engage in the first part, the following principles are still valuable for those who have chosen another spiritual or non-spiritual path.

Next, we will move to the SELF and SPOUSE part of the equation.  A person has to take care of their SELF in order to fully and appropriately give love away to another.  This does not mean that the SELF is allowed to be selfish.  Dad uses the analogy of the oxygen masks on an airplane.  In the event of a loss of cabin pressure there are precious few seconds to get the mask on before a person passes out.  If I am sitting next to my 8 year old son on an airplane, the thing I’m going to want to do is brush my mask aside and get the mask on my son.  In this situation, the counterintuitive thing to do is secure the mask on the SELF in order that the SELF have something to give away to the other.  Without SELF care and SELF love you will lack the ability to give your SPOUSE the love and attention they were designed to receive from you.

Jesus did not simply mean ‘the guy next door” when he said NEIGHBOR.  In this case He simply means another person and in our case here, NEIGHBOR means SPOUSE.  This point seems pretty easy to understand, love your SPOUSE in the same manner that you love your SELF.  Possibly this is where we get all the flak about difficulty and hardship, because this can be a difficult accomplishment.  However, I would recommend that we assume the best in our SPOUSEs and give them the due consideration they deserve as partners in life.  The following points will give us insight on how to accomplish this.

The ease comes when both spouses operate under these principals.  It is easy to love someone with my whole heart and self when they are loving me with their whole heart and self.  The point that marriage does not have to be hard doesn’t mean that there won’t be hard times.  The point is that God designed marriage.  God’s designs are good, they work.  Dad told me the other day that when marriage isn’t easy someone is usually being selfish.  That may be an oversimplification to some degree, but my goodness what a point. 

I want to encourage my brothers and sisters to go forth and love GOD, love your SELF, and from the deep pool provided to you in that relationship between SELF and GOD, love your SPOUSE in the same manner that you love your SELF.

Hold on for another two weeks and I’ll get the other principles out to you.

Peace.

Questions? Contact Dr. White and Associates, P.C. for marriage counseling in Lubbock, TX.