September 2026
Why Shame Doesn’t Change Behavior
If your spouse has done something that broke trust, lied, hidden something, or crossed a line you didn't think they'd cross, it's natural to want them to feel the full weight of it. Some part of that instinct is healthy. Real change does require real ownership. But there's an important difference between accountability and shame, and it matters more than it might seem. Here it is plainly: shame does not create lasting change. It creates relief-seeking. What It Looks Like From the Outside Shame-driven confrontations often look intense and can, in the moment, seem to produce results. The offending spouse
Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight?
You've had this fight before. Maybe not these exact words, but this exact shape. It starts about the dishes, or the schedule, or something one of you said in front of the kids. Ten minutes in, you're not even talking about that anymore. You're talking about whether you matter to each other. If this feels familiar, you're not imagining it, and you're not doing marriage wrong. Most couples who feel stuck in a loop aren't actually failing to communicate. They're communicating clearly. It's just that the real conversation is happening one level below the one they think they're having. What
June 2026
Infidelity Recovery: Healing Through the 4Rs
Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a couple can face. Whether it involved a sexual affair, an emotional relationship, pornography, compulsive sexual behavior, secret messaging, or another form of betrayal, the impact is often devastating. The betrayed partner may feel shocked, confused, angry, numb, anxious, or unable to trust their own judgment. The partner who betrayed may feel shame, defensiveness, fear, regret, or uncertainty about how to repair the damage. When betrayal enters a relationship, many couples wonder the same thing: Can we recover from this? The answer is not simple, but it is hopeful. Infidelity does not
February 2026
Why ‘Let It Go’ Doesn’t Actually Work
We’ve all heard that before. “Just let it go”. “Let it go” sounds great in a children’s musical, but we all know that real life often doesn’t come with a musical resolution and magic palace. While people often mention this with good intentions, this advice can often leave someone feeling frustrated or broken when they can’t seem to do it. If letting go were that simple, most of us would have done it already. When something painful happens in our close relationships, we store that emotional memory. Then old arguments may resurface, certain events trigger us, and we can feel
February 2023
From Discovery Through Recovery
There are many circumstances in life in which it is intuitive to determine what actions to take to resolve a problem. Discovering that a trusted life partner is emotionally or sexually involved with another person or that they are involved in a sexually compulsive behavior like pornography use isn’t one of those circumstances. As individuals and couples, we are designed for intimate connections, with life commitment and marriage being the most intimate. I like to explain it using the concept of power. We have in us an inborn, God-given, DNA-structured design and desire to be the most powerful intimate connection
April 2020
What Effect is the Quarantine Having on My Relationship with My Partner?
Well like a lot of things in life the answer is that it depends, and I would like to put my thoughts and opinions out for those interested. I’ll start with being quarantined together. I know for some this has been an enhancement for their relationship and for some it has caused significant strife. In the case of the enhancement, it is due to lessened stress at work (furlough) for one person in the couple and therefore more attention being able to be given to the partner still working and that partner’s emotions. In the case of the increase in
March 2020
Created for Connection but Susceptible to Alternatives
Dr. White - I recently reviewed some addiction debate among professionals regarding a YouTube video titled Addiction, by Kurzgesagt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8AHODc6phg And a TED Talk titled Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong, by Johann Hari: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs Their point being made is that a potential underlying cause of addiction that has been undervalued in research and treatment is disconnection; addicts often suffer varying degrees of disconnection in their important relationships. Hari concludes that “the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection.” I don’t want to enter the debate by taking a stand in far left or far right views. But
