By: Tim White, MA, LMFT, LSOTP, ASAT, APTT, CST Student
Preface
I have found the concept of sexual health principles fascinating and helpful in practice over the last few months. As many of my clients know, I am a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. This certification has given me the insight and ability to help many clients struggling with their sexual behavior. While I am grateful for this training, I have resolved to go further than just helping people with problematic sexual behavior and operate in the realm of more generalized sexual health. This has led me to seek out training as a Certified Sex Therapist through the Sexual Health Alliance and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. To address the debate between sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexuality or out-of-control sexual behavior, I have coined the term unprincipled sexual behavior as it captures the essence of the above terms.
Main Point
All that to say, I have done some reading on the 6 principles of sexual health over the last several months and have found this to be of great help in working with clients who struggle with problematic behavior and clients who are interested in developing their own sense of sexual health. The 6 principles are consent, safety, non-exploitive, honesty, shared values, and pleasure. While there is certainly room to unpack each point more thoroughly, I would like to briefly attend to each of these with you in this blog.
Consent – Consent is more than just a verbal yes. Consent should be a voluntarily given agreement that is free from outside influence. I encourage partners to be careful and aware of a non-consensual yes. That is to say verbal consent to sexual contact that is given out of a desire to avoid some perceived consequence or out of obligation.
Safety – The World Health Organization prioritizes safety from STI and unwanted pregnancy. I will take this a step further and include emotional safety, great sex happens in the context of emotional safety and I think that a sense of safety is more than a simple lack of danger.
Non-exploitive – This goes back to consent. If manipulation or exploitation are a part of the sexual negotiations then it cannot be considered freely given consent and thus is not going to result in a healthy sexual encounter. Sex should be something that is engaged in without the threat of consequence or leveraged in any way.
Honesty – I prefer the term authenticity but that is more personal nuance. This plays a role in consent and safety. Authentic consent cannot be given and safety cannot be had if honesty is not a part of the sexual conversation. This also strikes to the heart of manipulation. Overtly lying or covertly withholding information that is relevant to a sexual partner is exploiting the situation.
Shared Values – Sexual partners should be able to have conversation about their sexual values and work towards operating inside of those shared values. I heard one of my mentors say that we have sex up to the point that we are developmentally able. It would be inappropriate for a more sexually advanced partner to force or expect a lights-off-missionary-only partner to go further afield than they were comfortable. Open communication is key.
Pleasure – Sex is supposed to be fun! Our historical culture often downplays the importance of pleasure for one partner and prioritizes pleasure for another. This is not a sustainable or healthy way to view sex. Pleasure should be mutual and a valued goal.
I want to encourage all my clients and readers to be mindful of these principles and strive to move into the realm of Principled Sex!
Feel free to email me with any questions or comments. timwhite@dwatherapy.com
