By Tim White
Disclaimer! I am writing this blog from the perspective that the partners in this scenario are working toward connecting, resolving, rebuilding trust, and healing/forgiving and that the person who has gone outside of the agreed boundaries in sex or communication* is genuinely showing up in good faith to work through the process. I am in no way proclaiming that a betrayed partner should stay in a relationship that is continuing to be deceitful, manipulative, coercive, or abusive.
Further, let’s address * the really long but kinder way to say betrayer, cheater, liar, or two-faced %@*&^%#$!!@#$! So, please allow me a digression before we start. While I can empathize with the pain of experiencing betrayal, labeling a partner with harsh and judgemental terms will diminish the potential for a positive outcome in the relationship. So, even if in the middle of the discovery of an affair and in the proceeding days you want to call the partner who went outside the boundaries a cad. My encouragement, try not to do or say anything that you may feel shameful about later. So for this blog, and potentially future clinical work, I’ll use the term unprincipled partner or UP to describe the partner who has gone outside the boundaries. Please see my blog titled 6 Principles of Sexual Health for further clarification.
So, without further delay, let’s get into it!
Specializing in couples overcoming infidelity, I frequently encounter ideas around honesty and privacy. If any of you have ever sat in session with me or read any of my other blogs, you know I’m a stickler for detail, nuance, and careful communication. Therefore, I think it is of near paramount importance to specifically define and understand what we are talking about when it comes to the above terms and why I choose carefully how I frame relational negotiations.
It is common for a partner who has experienced some sort of infidelity to become hypervigilant about the UP’s phone, email, social media, etc., and want to know everything about what he or she is doing. Even to the point of declaring the UP has forsaken any right to privacy because of what they have done.
Hold on, let’s back up a bit. Because I think it is imperative that we understand what we are asking of the UP when there is a declaration of no more privacy and complete transparency. Let’s start by taking a close look at what I believe these words to mean.
Privacy – Being able to experience thoughts and feelings and a cognitive process that my wife is unaware of. For instance, my journal is private. I leave it on the hearth next to my chair and I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my wife has never read it. I know that I have never read hers. I’m sure there is stuff in there about me that I would rather not know about! I’m sure, as she grapples living with a red-neck Navy vet, she has had to process through some difficulties. Even going so far as to gripe about me. I know I have in mine. Gasp! The therapist has written things in his journal that he wouldn’t want his wife to read? Of course. Just like I’ve had intrusive thoughts at times that I want nobody to know. This stuff is private. That doesn’t mean that I’m hiding anything, it’s just that I may need a place to process. I don’t gripe about her and leave it there, I work through it and land on the positive. But journaling and how to go about it is a whole other topic.
Secrets – I’m going to say that a secret is something that someone is intentionally withholding from another. I had a guy tell me in 2003 that the 1981 Dodge D150 I was looking at buying off of him, only had 3 things wrong with it. That dude was withholding information as there were many secrets I had to find out about that truck!
Transparency – It is frequent that a betrayed partner will demand complete transparency after the discovery of betrayal. He or she may want to track a partner or go through the UP’s email and phone, to make sure nothing is going on. It is an understandable reaction due to the pain and the safety that is being sought in the aftermath of discovery. However, this undoes the above right to privacy. I have had betrayed partners read through the UP’s journal or workbook, much to the detriment of progress in the relationship to say nothing of the betrayed partner’s own emotional well-being. So I avoid the idea of transparency for more effective concepts.
Honesty – I avoid this term as is easily convoluted by transparency and can be manipulated by an UP.
Authenticity – This is word is music to my ears. I love authenticity! Authenticity allows both partners access to the privacy necessary to process their own inner world and show up in the relationship with genuineness. Someone can be to the letter “honest” but still trying to hide something, maybe the right question wasn’t asked in just the right way. But a person who is showing up authentically is not trying to hide anything or manipulate a relationship by carefully withholding or disseminating information. Authenticity does not mislead.
Good-Faith – This is closely related to authenticity and is the representation of it. This is when individuals in a relationship are showing without trying to hide parts of themselves or their behavior from the other. This is when partners have each other’s best interests at heart and are fully aware that intentionally misleading and withholding is a recipe for extreme pain. This is throwing off the idea that if a partner knew everything they would leave. This is accepting that in order to lead healthy principled lives partners should know the essence or who they are in relationship with. Showing up in good-faith allows for effective consent and promotes safety.
So what? Everyone has access to a dictionary, why am I writing about this? Because I think it matters how we step through the process of recovering from unprincipled behavior in a relationship. I think the language we use and the nuances of communication can be some of the big factors in a positive outcome. I know this is a lot of information and I would love to help you through any of it you need. Please feel free to reach out to us at DWA!
