Much is written about parenting, what to do, how to do it, when to do it, and so on. I know there are resources to help parents navigate their shortcomings, but they don’t seem popular or accessible. So, I thought I’d write up something on the topic and how I handle things with my kids.
I tell clients all the time that I believe I am a good therapist; however, I am by no means a perfect husband or father. So what do we do when we hit our own negative defaults and wind up creating some sort of emotional injury?
- Grace
Be gracious with yourself. If there is nothing you take from this other than being gracious, that’s what I want you to take. You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. So am I. Sometimes my best isn’t good enough. That’s not an excuse to shout at my kids. But that graciousness allows me to go to the places where I make mistakes and own them in ways that are authentic. Having grace for myself allows for the uncomfortable work of reflecting on my mistakes to be bearable. Whereas, when I’ve made mistakes in the past and then gotten really down on myself for not being a “good” dad, that makes effectively interacting with the mistake a miserable enterprise, which I would then more often than not avoid. In turn, this makes a repeat of the default behavior more likely. So, be gracious with yourself. You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Sometimes, that might not be good enough. The good news is that you aren’t dead and you aren’t static. When we have the grace to reflect on what we did wrong as parents, we have the ability to make our best better! - Cool Off
If you are in a moment of frustration or even anger with your kiddo, take a time out. This seems super juvenile, I know, but the reality is that it takes at least 20 minutes for cortisol and adrenaline to diffuse out of the bloodstream. Take some time to have some deep breathing, reflection on your own emotions, empathic reflection on your kid’s emotions, and some attention being paid to how much you love and care about your kid. This can work wonders for soothing your nervous system and allowing you to return to the conversation on a more even keel. - Reconnect
This is a bid for emotional connection before you get back into the conversation about the conflict. Check-in to see how your kid is currently feeling. Check-in to see how they were feeling before the timeout. Validate those emotions. Even if you disagree with their story, the emotions they are experiencing are very real. - Own it
I think I was given the idea that once you are grown, you know how to do all things adult. At least, that’s what I thought about my parents when I was growing up. I don’t want to throw my dad under the bus too much here, but I don’t remember many, if any, conversations as a kid where my parents owned their mistakes. I’m sure it happened; it just wasn’t a feature of growing up. As an adult, we’ve worked through a lot of those unfortunate incidents. All that to say, it’s uncomfortable to own your mistakes. Especially with the small humans you helped create. And when they have more than likely done something worth at least some level of frustration. It doesn’t matter. There is no justification for me hitting my old defaults and raising my voice or coming off harsh in tone or facial expression. - Make amends
Apologize for your actions. But only if you mean it, though. Sorries demand future action. Your apologies will wind up meaning nothing if you continue doing the same old thing every time a conflict arises. To personally be vulnerable, my default is to raise my voice when I don’t believe I am being heard. This might work in the trades or the Navy but is highly ineffective in intimate and parenting relationships. So, when I have made my repair attempt, I reassure my kids that I’m working on my past issues and actively working through the reasons I do what I do. - Direction
In the event that there is still a need to direct your kiddo, do so from a place of peace, safety, and connection. As stated above, I can get real loud real quick and mostly get all my boys to do whatever I direct them to do in short order. This might be ok in an emergency or crisis, but overall, getting my boys just to do what I say because I said it loudly doesn’t work. I want them to understand why I direct them to do the things that show maturity and appropriate behavior. They can only understand, or better yet, they have the most access to understanding, when all nervous systems are in safety rather than survival.
