When sex is one of the issues in therapy: low desire, mismatched libido, porn use, infidelity, erectile or orgasm difficulties, painful sex, shame, trauma, orientation/identity questions, or just feeling stuck, it can be hard to know where to start. The stakes feel higher. You may be concerned about being judged, misunderstood, or pressured into someone else’s values.
The good news: there are therapists who are trained, ethical, and genuinely helpful in this area. The trick is knowing how to vet them.
Below is a practical guide to finding a therapist who is competent with sexual concerns and a good fit for you.
Start with clarity: what kind of help are you actually seeking?
Sex can be “the problem,” but it’s often also the signal of other dynamics:
- Individual concerns: shame, anxiety, compulsive sexual behavior, trauma, libido changes, identity questions, performance concerns, pain, medical/medication impacts
- Relationship concerns: desire discrepancy, betrayal/affairs, communication, consent/pressure dynamics, resentment, mismatch in values, recovery from porn secrecy, rebuilding intimacy
- Life-stage changes: postpartum, menopause, aging, stress, grief, illness, parenting, faith transitions
This matters because the right credential and approach depend on what you’re facing. A couple’s issue may benefit from a couples therapist trained in relationship systems. A trauma-driven sexual concern may require a therapist with trauma training. Medical issues may require collaboration with a physician or pelvic floor specialist.
Credential basics: what to look for first
Not every “sex therapist” title means the same thing, because in many places, “sex therapist” is not a legally protected term. Anyone can sometimes use it in marketing. That’s why licensure and training matter.
1) Verify they’re a licensed mental health professional
Look for a current license, such as:
- LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)
- LPC/LMHC (Licensed Professional Counselor / Mental Health Counselor)
- LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker)
- Psychologist (PhD/PsyD)
- Psychiatrist (MD/DO, usually for medication + diagnosis; may also do therapy)
You should be able to confirm their license on your state’s licensing board website.
2) Look for specific sex therapy training (not just interest)
Common reputable indicators include training/certification through established organizations (ISTI, SHA, AASECT). Certifications and whether they have documented training and supervised experience with sexual concerns are crucial.
A strong clinician can clearly describe:
- their training background
- the types of sexual concerns they commonly treat
- how they work (assessment, goals, methods, boundaries)
3) If it’s a couple’s issue, look for couples-specialized training
Couples work is its own specialty. Useful indicators include training in evidence-based couples’ modalities such as:
- EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy)
- Gottman Method
- Imago (varies by clinician)
- Integrative/systemic couples therapy training
Sex problems inside a relationship often require skills in attachment, conflict patterns, communication, betrayal repair, and rebuilding trust, not just sex education.
Green flags: what a good sex-competent therapist does
Here’s what you want to see early on (often in the consult call or first session):
They normalize without minimizing
They don’t act shocked. They don’t make you feel “weird.” They can hold nuance: sex matters, and it’s complicated.
They assess comprehensively
A competent therapist asks about:
- physical health, medications, sleep, stress
- relationship context (if partnered)
- trauma history (gently and appropriately)
- consent and boundaries
- values, faith, culture (without imposing their own)
- safety concerns (coercion, abuse, risky behaviors)
They collaborate instead of prescribe
They don’t push a one-size fits-all agenda. They help you set goals that align with your values and relationship agreements.
They have clear boundaries
They explain what therapy is and isn’t, including:
- no sexual contact, ever
- no “hands-on” sexual techniques
- no inappropriate personal disclosures
- clear policies on confidentiality, fees, messaging, and emergencies
They’re comfortable coordinating care
- For some issues, the best outcomes involve collaboration with:
- primary care/OBGYN/urology/endocrinology
- pelvic floor physical therapy
- psychiatry (medications)
- medical evaluation for pain, hormone concerns, ED, etc.
A good therapist isn’t threatened by a medical referral; they welcome it.
Red flags: when to walk away
If you notice any of the following, take it seriously:
- They shame, moralize, or mock (even subtly).
- They push their ideology about sex, gender roles, porn, monogamy, religion, etc., without curiosity about yours.
- They promise quick fixes or guaranteed outcomes.
- They want explicit sexual details immediately, without explaining why, without pacing, and without building safety first.
- They blur boundaries (flirtatious comments, suggestive jokes, overly personal disclosures, unclear policies).
- They present “sex therapy” as manual techniques rather than a professional psychotherapy process.
- They blame one partner or side with someone without assessing the full system.
Trust your gut. Therapy should feel challenging at times, but not unsafe, shaming, or coercive.
The consult call: questions that quickly reveal fit
Many therapists offer a brief phone consult. Use it. Here are practical questions you can ask:
About experience & training
- “What training do you have in working with sexual concerns?”
- “How often do you work with issues like mine?”
- “Do you work more with individuals, couples, or both?”
About approach
- “How do you typically assess what’s going on?”
- “What does treatment usually look like: skills, homework, communication tools, trauma work, etc.?”
- “How do you handle differences in desire between partners?”
About values and neutrality
- “How do you work with clients who have strong religious or cultural values around sex?”
- “Do you take a sex-positive approach, and what does that mean to you?”
- (A good answer is usually about consent, agency, reducing shame, and aligning sex with your values, not pushing any particular lifestyle.)
About porn/compulsivity betrayal (if relevant)
- “How do you define problematic sexual behavior versus high libido?”
- “How do you help couples rebuild trust after sexual betrayal?”
- “Do you integrate trauma-informed work for partners impacted by betrayal?”
About boundaries & professionalism
- “What are your policies on confidentiality, session structure, and communication between sessions?”
- “Do you coordinate with medical providers if needed?”
You’re listening for clarity, steadiness, and comfort, not perfection.
Matching the therapist to the problem
Here are some common situations and what tends to help:
Painful sex / vaginismus / pelvic pain
Look for: trauma-informed therapist + pelvic floor PT collaboration + medical evaluation.
Erectile/orgasm issues
Look for: anxiety/pressure work, relationship patterns, stress reduction, medical rule-outs, and sometimes couples therapy.
Desire discrepancy
Look for: couples specialist + communication tools + meaning / pressure / resentment work + libido education.
Porn conflict/secrecy/betrayal
Look for: a therapist experienced in betrayal repair, boundaries, accountability, trauma-informed support for the impacted partner, and a clear model for rebuilding trust.
Trauma-related sexual concerns
Look for: trauma-trained clinician (e.g., EMDR, CPT, somatic approaches) who understands how trauma impacts desire, arousal, safety, and attachment.
Practical logistics that matter more than people admit
Specialty fit beats convenience, but consistency is king. Weekly sessions with a good-enough specialist often beat sporadic sessions with the “perfect” person.
Teletherapy can work well for many sex-related issues (especially shame, communication, and education). Some trauma/pain work may benefit from in-person care, depending.
Comfort matters: you should feel respected. You don’t need instant ease, but you should feel emotionally safe.
A final note: you’re allowed to be picky
Choosing a therapist for sexual concerns is not like choosing a random service. You’re inviting someone into one of the most vulnerable areas of your life.
You’re allowed to:
- Interview more than one therapist
- Switch if it isn’t a fit
- Ask direct questions
- Prioritize safety, competence, and alignment with your values
The right therapist won’t be offended by your vetting; they’ll respect it.
